Decisions.
I don’t do well with them.
I am a naturally indecisive person. It comes up in the
results of any kind of personality test I take it seems. And I know it well.
I fear making the “wrong” decision. I fear the unknown. I
fear leaving people I’ve gotten close to. I fear the emotions and hard work of
change. And then, too, I fear staying stagnant. I fear I will never figure out
what kind of a life/career I really desire and that best fits my gifts and
abilities. I fear taking the “safe” or “natural” route and never finding what
makes me really come alive.
I have so many dreams, visions, thoughts, and desires
floating around in my brain and I don’t know how to make sense of any of it at
this point. I don’t know what’s next…at all. Whatsoever. Whether that means staying
in Bolivia and sticking with 1st grade, staying in Bolivia and
switching to 5th grade, staying in Bolivia and finding a different
avenue of ministry, or leaving. I don’t know whether that means being a teacher
or waitressing for awhile or tutoring or pursuing seminary/grad school or becoming
an astronaut or joining the circus.
Though up until a couple weeks ago, my mind was set on
staying longer here in Bolivia, lately I’ve become so overwhelmed, beaten down,
worn out, and wishing in some ways for the year to end already. And it was
almost as if I finally gave myself permission a couple weeks ago to think about
something other than staying in Bolivia, and I got really excited about the
endless possibilities out there awaiting me.
But then my mind draws me back to my love for the beauty of Bolivia,
the culture, and the people; my desire to further develop relationships; my
desire to learn more Spanish and gain some more teaching experience, possibly
in a different grade before returning to the hard economy and crazy education
system in the U.S.
There’s currently a wrestling match between my head and my
heart.
I am feeling the environmental friction, a phrase coined
by Matt Conner, the former pastor of my church, The Mercy House in Anderson,
Indiana. This is a really good read and I feel is exactly what I’m dealing with
right now: http://www.rabbitroom.com/2012/08/environmental-friction/
Do I stay and remain faithful for awhile longer to this
community, this school? Or do I make the inevitable transition (b/c of family,
friends, finances, eventual husband & family of my own) back to the states
sooner because my heart seems to be calling me at this point to leave and
pursue other options?
I have no answers at this point. And I know I still have a
few months before I need to decide if I’m staying at Highlands or not…but that
time is fast approaching. And I am at a place where I feel like the answer isn’t
obvious and won’t be obvious come November. It’s a hard decision. A decision
with lots of implications. A decision that will be met with some heavy emotions
no matter what I decide.
I remember my dad saying something to me in my decision to
go to Bolivia or not about the fact that there is not a “right” or “wrong”
decision…basically that God will bless whatever I decide to do. My pastor, Matt,
said something to the same extent, too, in his article—“Doubts loom about career decisions that I have
made, and they will continue, as they always do, with each choice that I
face. Life is not so neatly categorized
in terms of right or wrong, at least in my experience.”
I firmly believe that too.
God gave us free will. We’re free
to choose what we do with our lives, and all we have to do is commit our
actions to Him and our plans will succeed. (Proverbs 16:3)
I take that verse as meaning I should seek to
please/glorify/serve God in the best way possible, instead of committing my
actions to fulfilling my own comforts (and honestly there’s comfort in staying
in Bolivia and in leaving, just in different ways…which makes that a bit harder
to discern.)
So what does that mean? What does that look like? Does that
mean staying in this ministry or finding a different avenue/different group of
people/different place to minister in?
Again, it is not a matter of “right” or “wrong” but more of,
“How can I best use my gifts and abilities to minister?” And it is a matter of
motivation. “Are my motivations, which
lead to action, selfless or selfish?”
A verse that has hit me lately is Matthew 7:7—“Keep on
asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will
find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.”
God asks us to persistently ask him for what we need from
Him. I am bad at that. I am not persistent in prayer. I ask God sporadically for what I need/want. I think, “If he hears us the first time, my
prayers are going to be way too repetitive.”
Ha. But I was thinking more about that verse…and if we are desperate for
something from a friend or from our family—whether it be music or a book we
really want, or communication or advice, we ask/seek it all the time. We are persistent in getting what we
want/need from that person. So, if we
aren’t persistent in our prayers for what we need, there is less desperation.
We think this world will bring whatever we need to us. And it’s almost like
saying “Well, I don’t really need this from you, God,” or “I don’t really
believe you’re going to give this to me so I don’t need to keep praying.” And,
sadly, I feel like that’s my attitude a lot of times.
So I’m committing myself to persistent prayer—prayer in
desperation over this upcoming decision, believing fully that if I am
persistent in asking for clarity and wisdom from God, that I will receive
clarity and wisdom. And I ask, if you would,
to be committed to prayer for me too.
Dios te bendiga (God bless you),
Julie
