I'm "home." Although, you should go back and read my blog post about "home" and what I think it means and how it changes and how I feel I have multiple "homes".....so maybe I should clarify....I am home with my family in Downers Grove, IL. And it's a more familiar place than where I was in La Paz, Bolivia...though that is slowly becoming "home" to me as well as I am growing down roots, starting to get attached to people, and growing in familiarity with what's around me and what I do from day to day.
Time is a funny thing. When I walked in my door, it seemed like it hadn't been all that long since I'd been home, yet I feel like I've lived in Bolivia for about a year.
It is truly a privilege to get to come home and see my family and friends (though I will still be missing the family and friends that are far away!) I was reflecting on this, and feeling pangs of guilt that I am spending so much money on flying back and forth....feeling like that money could be going toward something else, someone else, a ministry that needs it. Yet I came to the realization that coming back and having this break is not just for me (and my sanity!), but God can use me here still, as well as in Bolivia. I can share my experiences, what's going on at my school and about other ministries in La Paz, the poverty and wealth I see contrasted every day, what's going on in the lives of my students, and my own joys and frustrations. I can reconnect with people that mean so much to me and share what's close to my heart, how God is changing me and growing me, how my faith and my walk has been kind of rocky, how I've already felt so much pain and confusion and lack of clarity in my purpose, but have also so experienced so much joy, growth, and support. I can seek out wisdom and advice from family and friends that I trust and that know me. I think my ministry lies in more than 1 place....and my heart surely does. So instead of guilt, I will humbly accept this gift and embrace this time away.
I know I need rest and a lot of self-relfection and time to read and journal and pray and play my guitar. But I also know I am called to share all that I've experienced. And I need those people in my life that have seen me grow and mature and that will speak truth into my life. It's been on my heart lately that I need to make some changes in my life.
For right now....I don't even know what to do with this time of rest. I am feeling antsy right now. And I woke up before 9 this morning...(What the heck? Who am I?) I haven't had a big chunk of time to just rest in so long...and it sounds wonderful but at the same time it's daunting not having a schedule....and when I don't have a schedule, I often start looking for work or for committments so that I HAVE to go to them and then I feel better about myself, my life. But, when I am my own boss and I have things I want to do for me, for some reason, I find it so much more challenging to get motivated. Even though they are things I WANT to do. And I have so much I want to do this break--so many good and healthy things (5 time Yoga groupon, 5 time pass to my town's Rec Center, reading list, starting photo album of college years, learning more Spanish, playing and writing a song or two on guitar, starting a Bible reading plan in January, and of course visiting with friends and family) but I know I'll waste a lot of time if I don't discipline myself.
I read this great quote this morning on twitter:
"You can't truly rest until every area of your life rests in God." -A.W. Tozer
Maybe that's why I'm antsy.........
Lord, give me true rest this break. Let my mind, my heart, my soul, my will, every part of me rest in You. Show me what that means, what that looks like, what I need to surrender, what I need to give to you, what you want me to do and say and read and learn this break.
Amen.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Roots, Rhythm, Routine, Richness
I am so sorry, blog followers, that it has been over a month since my last post.
Partly it is because my life here is so busy, and partly it is because I haven't known what to write...
And I'm sitting here still without any focused thought or something profound to say, so I hope you're OK with scattered thoughts and random updates from my life in this past month.
My life has developed a rhythm here. Things are becoming normal here, and increasingly, when I think back to life in the states, I think about how weird it will be to be back there in December. Granted, it would be a whole lot different if I were in Africa or some remote part of Asia or somewhere where life is completely different and I might not have all the conveniences here that I do. But still. I'm realizing going back and forth at Christmas and summers will be hard and strange and definitely play a toll on my emotions. I feel that happens whenever I leave somewhere...even if it's just going back to Taylor after a Christmas break at home, 4 hours away.
I'm realizing increasingly that I like to be rooted. And signing a 2-year committment to something far away from home, expecting to return to the states again one day (at least right now...) seems like a really stupid move. I am not flighty in anything I do and I want close friendships I've made over my lifetime to grow and develop throughout my life. I hate being uprooted. I hate leaving places. I can't imagine continually moving to different places all over the world as much as I love experiencing new cultures and seeing new things. For that, I will travel, not uproot myself. Unless I feel an extreme calling from God to go somewhere.
My heart, after not even 3 months, is already beginning to feel rooted here...at this school, with my students and even other students who I see and talk with often, in the community of teachers around me, and in the community of Bolivians I'm getting to know at "Tuesday Gathering" every Tuesday night.
I always look ahead so much and my mind wanders to the future if I let it and I know it's dangerous for me. I need to entrust God with my future, realizing he knows best. Even though future decisions, seeing people come and go from Highlands and from Bolivia will be so hard, relationships in the states have to be long distance, and friendships I form here might have to be long distance someday, I can't let that influence how I live in my life. I firmly believe God brings people in and out of our life at certain times and is the God over my relationships and my life. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
So, what does my life look like here? I'm sure some of you are wondering, and I don't think I've painted a clear picture of that for you.
My life is really not all that "exciting" just because I live in a different country. My alarm goes off at 5:45 every morning (too early) and I don't get up to it. I get up the second time it rings, at 5:50. I've only overslept ONCE, in 3 months. (Can you believe it, those of you who really know me? ha) And it was fine...I just got ready fast and I think we just left a few minutes later. I leave with my roommates, Sarah and Bekah at 6:35ish. We usually take Sarah's beat up landcruiser (affectionately called "The Beast") unless it is in the shop for something. Then we take a Taxi. If we take The Beast, we pick up the guys--Scott, Isaac, and Bjorlie. Sometimes my director, Scott Frost also comes with us...then we really have to squeeze to fit. It's a fun and bumpy 15-minute ride to school.
We have staff devotions Mon-Thurs at 7:45 with someone different leading it Mon-Wed and then we have "Prayer Thursdays" where all we do is pray...for specific prayer requests and for students that are struggling. It's a great way to start the day and I love that we do it.
The school day is from 8:20-3:00. I have an aide in the morning that I am having to train.....and another aide in the afternoon, Paola, who is becoming a great friend and is a huge help to me! I have 9 crazy, talkative boys with little self-control so it is difficult. But I am excited about how much improvement has happened--both academically and behavior-wise since the beginning of the year with just about all of my 14 students. They are really learning and growing and it's great to see. Jess, the second grade teacher and a good friend, keeps me sane during the day when we talk during recess or lunch. This is her 5th year teaching (she's new, but she taught 4 years in Korea prior to this year) so she gives me great advice and encouragement and comfort when I need it!! She is wonderful.
Mondays I tutor after school. I usually have about 5 of my students that stay with me, and 3 of my students who are really low in English go with a couple high schoolers who know Spanish. It's hard because the students that stay with me are at different levels, so I wish I could give them more one-on-one help. But at least it's something extra.
Tuesdays we have staff meetings after school, and then at 7:30 Bekah and I have been going to a gathering of young adults--most of whom go to the only English speaking church in La Paz, but there are people that come from other churces too. There is someone who leads kind of a Bible study or we have watched a movie a couple times, and we take prayer requests and pray for one another. It is a great group of people and I love feeling loved and welcome in the group even though I am new, not Bolivian, and don't really speak Spanish! (yet!!)
Wednesdays after school I play volleyball with any teachers or students that want to play. It's a lot of fun and I look forward to it every week. Then, at 6:30 we have women's Bible study at our apartment with all of the women teachers who work at Highlands. We eat dinner and dessert together and someone different leads every week. This coming week is my turn to lead! We are studying the book of 1 John. It's a lot of fun sharing stories about our days and our students, laughing together, and looking at the way John talks about love and inviting people to experience what he has experienced...the gospel message of grace and love...when the church at that time experienced a lot of corruption and had fallen into gnosticism.
Thursdays, Jess and I take Spanish lessons after school with Orieta, the kindergarten aide. She is wonderful and a great teacher. I'm learning a lot, but I need to study and practice all that she teaches us!! It's kind of hard when most everyone I'm in contact with on a daily basis speaks English and Spanish. It takes discipline and self-motivation. Sometimes Thursdays I'll go with a friend to dinner or for ice cream, or I go out with a bunch of teachers to Highlanders, a Mexican restaurant nearby. I'm going to try to make Thursdays my "date nights" with friends...I want to get to know a lot of the staff better.
My weekends are sacred. I am so tired at the end of the week. Weekends are always different and different things have come up that have been really fun. I went with 7 other teachers to beautiful Coroico (about 3 hours away) for a long weekend awhile back...it was wonderful. I've seen Korean theater (beautiful dancing and music), a classical guitar concert, gone out to dinner, movie nights, etc....it's hard to even remember right now. Saturday is kind of my sabbath. It's hard to make myself do any lesson planning or grading on Saturday. I also get kind of introverted after a week of constantly needing to be on my game in the classroom and then socializing just about every night. I enjoy spending the majority of my Saturday in my room! Sundays Bekah and I frequently attend Bedside Baptist...we love listening to our pastors from the churches we attended during college, and they both stream their sermons online. And once I listened to hers, and once she listened to mine. We've worshipped together too--I'll play guitar while we both sing. Sundays are also our grocery shopping days and the days where I plan and grade. Sunday nights we've been having roommate night and the 3 of us eat dinner and watch a movie together.
That's kind of my typical week in a nutshell, for those that were wondering what my life is like! I hope I didn't bore you!
Also, we just had parent teacher conferences. It was kind of nerve-racking, but it all went fine! Also, if you saw my Facebook status about one of my students' with a rough family situation, some of the facts were lost in translation since I had to have Paola translate for me with a lot of the parents/grandparents. Her mom is NOT addicted to drugs or alcohol...there was an instance at the beginning of the school year where she was drugged and robbed and taken to the hospital. Which is horrible and still super traumatizing. But the situation right now is better than I thought...she is not living with a mom who is addicted to any substances....just recovering from that horrible incident. And it is not only that girl, but a lot of my students have hard family situations, so please pray for them....
Well, as you can see, I'm definitely staying busy and am involved in a lot. I really do love my life and am sometimes overwhelmed by the grace and kindness God has extended upon me. I am truly blessed by the people around me, by my students, and through the job I have the opportunity to do.
Also, 63 days until I'm home sweet home with my family for Christmas. But who's counting?
Partly it is because my life here is so busy, and partly it is because I haven't known what to write...
And I'm sitting here still without any focused thought or something profound to say, so I hope you're OK with scattered thoughts and random updates from my life in this past month.
My life has developed a rhythm here. Things are becoming normal here, and increasingly, when I think back to life in the states, I think about how weird it will be to be back there in December. Granted, it would be a whole lot different if I were in Africa or some remote part of Asia or somewhere where life is completely different and I might not have all the conveniences here that I do. But still. I'm realizing going back and forth at Christmas and summers will be hard and strange and definitely play a toll on my emotions. I feel that happens whenever I leave somewhere...even if it's just going back to Taylor after a Christmas break at home, 4 hours away.
I'm realizing increasingly that I like to be rooted. And signing a 2-year committment to something far away from home, expecting to return to the states again one day (at least right now...) seems like a really stupid move. I am not flighty in anything I do and I want close friendships I've made over my lifetime to grow and develop throughout my life. I hate being uprooted. I hate leaving places. I can't imagine continually moving to different places all over the world as much as I love experiencing new cultures and seeing new things. For that, I will travel, not uproot myself. Unless I feel an extreme calling from God to go somewhere.
My heart, after not even 3 months, is already beginning to feel rooted here...at this school, with my students and even other students who I see and talk with often, in the community of teachers around me, and in the community of Bolivians I'm getting to know at "Tuesday Gathering" every Tuesday night.
I always look ahead so much and my mind wanders to the future if I let it and I know it's dangerous for me. I need to entrust God with my future, realizing he knows best. Even though future decisions, seeing people come and go from Highlands and from Bolivia will be so hard, relationships in the states have to be long distance, and friendships I form here might have to be long distance someday, I can't let that influence how I live in my life. I firmly believe God brings people in and out of our life at certain times and is the God over my relationships and my life. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
So, what does my life look like here? I'm sure some of you are wondering, and I don't think I've painted a clear picture of that for you.
My life is really not all that "exciting" just because I live in a different country. My alarm goes off at 5:45 every morning (too early) and I don't get up to it. I get up the second time it rings, at 5:50. I've only overslept ONCE, in 3 months. (Can you believe it, those of you who really know me? ha) And it was fine...I just got ready fast and I think we just left a few minutes later. I leave with my roommates, Sarah and Bekah at 6:35ish. We usually take Sarah's beat up landcruiser (affectionately called "The Beast") unless it is in the shop for something. Then we take a Taxi. If we take The Beast, we pick up the guys--Scott, Isaac, and Bjorlie. Sometimes my director, Scott Frost also comes with us...then we really have to squeeze to fit. It's a fun and bumpy 15-minute ride to school.
We have staff devotions Mon-Thurs at 7:45 with someone different leading it Mon-Wed and then we have "Prayer Thursdays" where all we do is pray...for specific prayer requests and for students that are struggling. It's a great way to start the day and I love that we do it.
The school day is from 8:20-3:00. I have an aide in the morning that I am having to train.....and another aide in the afternoon, Paola, who is becoming a great friend and is a huge help to me! I have 9 crazy, talkative boys with little self-control so it is difficult. But I am excited about how much improvement has happened--both academically and behavior-wise since the beginning of the year with just about all of my 14 students. They are really learning and growing and it's great to see. Jess, the second grade teacher and a good friend, keeps me sane during the day when we talk during recess or lunch. This is her 5th year teaching (she's new, but she taught 4 years in Korea prior to this year) so she gives me great advice and encouragement and comfort when I need it!! She is wonderful.
Mondays I tutor after school. I usually have about 5 of my students that stay with me, and 3 of my students who are really low in English go with a couple high schoolers who know Spanish. It's hard because the students that stay with me are at different levels, so I wish I could give them more one-on-one help. But at least it's something extra.
Tuesdays we have staff meetings after school, and then at 7:30 Bekah and I have been going to a gathering of young adults--most of whom go to the only English speaking church in La Paz, but there are people that come from other churces too. There is someone who leads kind of a Bible study or we have watched a movie a couple times, and we take prayer requests and pray for one another. It is a great group of people and I love feeling loved and welcome in the group even though I am new, not Bolivian, and don't really speak Spanish! (yet!!)
Wednesdays after school I play volleyball with any teachers or students that want to play. It's a lot of fun and I look forward to it every week. Then, at 6:30 we have women's Bible study at our apartment with all of the women teachers who work at Highlands. We eat dinner and dessert together and someone different leads every week. This coming week is my turn to lead! We are studying the book of 1 John. It's a lot of fun sharing stories about our days and our students, laughing together, and looking at the way John talks about love and inviting people to experience what he has experienced...the gospel message of grace and love...when the church at that time experienced a lot of corruption and had fallen into gnosticism.
Thursdays, Jess and I take Spanish lessons after school with Orieta, the kindergarten aide. She is wonderful and a great teacher. I'm learning a lot, but I need to study and practice all that she teaches us!! It's kind of hard when most everyone I'm in contact with on a daily basis speaks English and Spanish. It takes discipline and self-motivation. Sometimes Thursdays I'll go with a friend to dinner or for ice cream, or I go out with a bunch of teachers to Highlanders, a Mexican restaurant nearby. I'm going to try to make Thursdays my "date nights" with friends...I want to get to know a lot of the staff better.
My weekends are sacred. I am so tired at the end of the week. Weekends are always different and different things have come up that have been really fun. I went with 7 other teachers to beautiful Coroico (about 3 hours away) for a long weekend awhile back...it was wonderful. I've seen Korean theater (beautiful dancing and music), a classical guitar concert, gone out to dinner, movie nights, etc....it's hard to even remember right now. Saturday is kind of my sabbath. It's hard to make myself do any lesson planning or grading on Saturday. I also get kind of introverted after a week of constantly needing to be on my game in the classroom and then socializing just about every night. I enjoy spending the majority of my Saturday in my room! Sundays Bekah and I frequently attend Bedside Baptist...we love listening to our pastors from the churches we attended during college, and they both stream their sermons online. And once I listened to hers, and once she listened to mine. We've worshipped together too--I'll play guitar while we both sing. Sundays are also our grocery shopping days and the days where I plan and grade. Sunday nights we've been having roommate night and the 3 of us eat dinner and watch a movie together.
That's kind of my typical week in a nutshell, for those that were wondering what my life is like! I hope I didn't bore you!
Also, we just had parent teacher conferences. It was kind of nerve-racking, but it all went fine! Also, if you saw my Facebook status about one of my students' with a rough family situation, some of the facts were lost in translation since I had to have Paola translate for me with a lot of the parents/grandparents. Her mom is NOT addicted to drugs or alcohol...there was an instance at the beginning of the school year where she was drugged and robbed and taken to the hospital. Which is horrible and still super traumatizing. But the situation right now is better than I thought...she is not living with a mom who is addicted to any substances....just recovering from that horrible incident. And it is not only that girl, but a lot of my students have hard family situations, so please pray for them....
Well, as you can see, I'm definitely staying busy and am involved in a lot. I really do love my life and am sometimes overwhelmed by the grace and kindness God has extended upon me. I am truly blessed by the people around me, by my students, and through the job I have the opportunity to do.
Also, 63 days until I'm home sweet home with my family for Christmas. But who's counting?
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Giving it All Away
I listened to a sermon online this morning from The Mercy House (my church in Anderson, IN) which was the inspiration for the following thoughts...(The sermon was on Genesis 27--the story of Jacob and Esau...Jacob tricking Isaac and Isaac giving him the blessing rather than Esau).
Submission. Giving up control. Giving up my selfish desires to serve others and to serve God.
This is something that has taken me years to understand and begin to apply in my life. And I still need reminders--outwardly and inwardly--to do this. It's funny, because I am not naturally a complete control-freak or an aggressive person that takes advantage and manipulates situations for my gain. And I'm sure whoever's reading this would agree. I'm easy-going, I often let others take the lead, and I'm not a particularly selfish person...although, to be fair and honest, all of humanity is inherently selfish.
Yet, taking control and pushing and pulling and subtly manipulating and obsessing over certain aspects of my life seems to be my biggest obstacle, the greatest sin that bites back at me and keeps me from what God has for me.
I want control. More than I allow others to see (proven to me by the results of a test I took for PFO (pre-field orientation before coming to Bolivia)). Part of the reason I enjoy teaching is because I have, in a natural sense, full control of my students, my classroom, discipline, procedures, etc. When I feel I am in control and things are going well or I'm disciplining because a rule was broken and the class grows deathly quiet because someone had to move their clothespin to "yellow" or "red", inwardly I sometimes kind of revel at the leadership and control I have in that moment.
Another example--I have obsessed and wasted time pining and fighting for relationships to work out of my own desires, refusing to wait on God's timing.
Like the story of Esau and Jacob in Genesis 27, I have tried to satisfy my own desires and inherit a "blessing" from God through my own method of attaining it and ended up getting hurt or disappointed or feeling empty. God wants to continue to bless me in His own time, in His own way, and so many times my very prevalent unbelief that He really will bless me and guide me without me doing a thing overshadows what seems to be so close at hand.
It's taken me awhile to say with full conviction, "Your will be done"..."God, I give you control of my words, my actions, my life, because You know best and the sole desire of my heart is that You are glorified and Your love is shown to people through me...That's it...I don't need anything else."
And, oh, it's still a struggle for sure. I still desire worldly things, relationships, experiences I can't have right now because this is where I'm at and what I'm doing and where I've been called to at this time of my life.
Letting go of control, I realize now, is a true discipline. It is not easy but when you finally submit and say "Here, God," the peace and relief that follows is humbling and so welcome. God calls us to lose our life so that we may find life in Him. It seems like almost every plan and desire that I have designed or wanted for my life has fallen through or changed or has never been brought to fruition. I thought I'd be teaching at inner city public school somewhere in the states, I swore I would never teach 1st grade, I never dreamed I'd have the title "missionary," and thought living out of the country seemed unrealistic. I'd always choose to have a boyfriend over being single, but I've spent the great majority of my life single and having lots of "potential" relationships fail.
These are all things I've wanted or thought would be best for me. We all think we know best, don't we? I still have a pride issue and can become easily impatient with people that don't think like I do or don't do things the way I would. But I need to keep remembering, and God has obviously shown this to me over and over again through all of my experiences and circumstances thus far in life, that I definitely don't know best. Coming here was my decision, yes, but it was not my plan and there was an internal battle inside me for awhile to say yes. It was surrender. It was an act of complete trust. It was faith. It was a giving up of other lifestyles I could have, comforts, people I knew and loved, my car!, etc.
And I can say with certainty, God knows what He's doing placing me here. And I can plan a destination or graduate school or different career or lifestyle or friend group or what have you after my 2 year contract here is up....but I'm realizing now how utterly stupid that is. It's again, trying to control and plan my life when I have no idea what's in store for me in 2 years, let alone tomorrow.
The Christian life is so simple. It's all about love and submission daily. Love God, love others. Give up control and give up serving yourself and you'll experience the fullness of life. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Do not worry about tomorrow.
Oh, so much easier said than done...my cry, our cry, daily still needs to be "Lord, I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)
Submission. Giving up control. Giving up my selfish desires to serve others and to serve God.
This is something that has taken me years to understand and begin to apply in my life. And I still need reminders--outwardly and inwardly--to do this. It's funny, because I am not naturally a complete control-freak or an aggressive person that takes advantage and manipulates situations for my gain. And I'm sure whoever's reading this would agree. I'm easy-going, I often let others take the lead, and I'm not a particularly selfish person...although, to be fair and honest, all of humanity is inherently selfish.
Yet, taking control and pushing and pulling and subtly manipulating and obsessing over certain aspects of my life seems to be my biggest obstacle, the greatest sin that bites back at me and keeps me from what God has for me.
I want control. More than I allow others to see (proven to me by the results of a test I took for PFO (pre-field orientation before coming to Bolivia)). Part of the reason I enjoy teaching is because I have, in a natural sense, full control of my students, my classroom, discipline, procedures, etc. When I feel I am in control and things are going well or I'm disciplining because a rule was broken and the class grows deathly quiet because someone had to move their clothespin to "yellow" or "red", inwardly I sometimes kind of revel at the leadership and control I have in that moment.
Another example--I have obsessed and wasted time pining and fighting for relationships to work out of my own desires, refusing to wait on God's timing.
Like the story of Esau and Jacob in Genesis 27, I have tried to satisfy my own desires and inherit a "blessing" from God through my own method of attaining it and ended up getting hurt or disappointed or feeling empty. God wants to continue to bless me in His own time, in His own way, and so many times my very prevalent unbelief that He really will bless me and guide me without me doing a thing overshadows what seems to be so close at hand.
It's taken me awhile to say with full conviction, "Your will be done"..."God, I give you control of my words, my actions, my life, because You know best and the sole desire of my heart is that You are glorified and Your love is shown to people through me...That's it...I don't need anything else."
And, oh, it's still a struggle for sure. I still desire worldly things, relationships, experiences I can't have right now because this is where I'm at and what I'm doing and where I've been called to at this time of my life.
Letting go of control, I realize now, is a true discipline. It is not easy but when you finally submit and say "Here, God," the peace and relief that follows is humbling and so welcome. God calls us to lose our life so that we may find life in Him. It seems like almost every plan and desire that I have designed or wanted for my life has fallen through or changed or has never been brought to fruition. I thought I'd be teaching at inner city public school somewhere in the states, I swore I would never teach 1st grade, I never dreamed I'd have the title "missionary," and thought living out of the country seemed unrealistic. I'd always choose to have a boyfriend over being single, but I've spent the great majority of my life single and having lots of "potential" relationships fail.
These are all things I've wanted or thought would be best for me. We all think we know best, don't we? I still have a pride issue and can become easily impatient with people that don't think like I do or don't do things the way I would. But I need to keep remembering, and God has obviously shown this to me over and over again through all of my experiences and circumstances thus far in life, that I definitely don't know best. Coming here was my decision, yes, but it was not my plan and there was an internal battle inside me for awhile to say yes. It was surrender. It was an act of complete trust. It was faith. It was a giving up of other lifestyles I could have, comforts, people I knew and loved, my car!, etc.
And I can say with certainty, God knows what He's doing placing me here. And I can plan a destination or graduate school or different career or lifestyle or friend group or what have you after my 2 year contract here is up....but I'm realizing now how utterly stupid that is. It's again, trying to control and plan my life when I have no idea what's in store for me in 2 years, let alone tomorrow.
The Christian life is so simple. It's all about love and submission daily. Love God, love others. Give up control and give up serving yourself and you'll experience the fullness of life. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Do not worry about tomorrow.
Oh, so much easier said than done...my cry, our cry, daily still needs to be "Lord, I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)
Sunday, September 4, 2011
I've Got the Joy, Joy, Joy
“Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
Sometimes even when things are going well in my life, I don’t feel satisfied. I want more. I look to the future and dream about other places, events, and people in my life. It’s like I can’t just live in the present. I hate it. Where I am right now, what I have right now is amazing, and sometimes I am so blind to it.
So, in order for me to fully realize the awesomeness of my life right now, I’m going to make a list of things I am thankful for and reasons I can have joy. I need to STOP dwelling on people and things I miss, the challenges, and what my life could look like in the future. God has given me this beautiful day and I’m going to rejoice and be glad in it!
1. I am living in Bolivia where every day is a beautiful sunny day, and it’s getting warmer here! Winter is ending.
2. It’s “Pedestrian Day” where there’s a ban on driving today until 4 P.M. and I’ve seen SO many families out, kids riding bikes and scooters, couples with strollers or walking their dogs, and everyone is out on the street enjoying the beautiful day together. It’s wonderful. I wish there was “Pedestrian Day” in the states.
3. I just ran into my pastor and his wife and they showed me this wonderful saltena place where I am typing right now, and we ate together and talked about all the awesome things there are to do and see in Bolivia. And about where to get the best quality pirated movies. Awesome.
4. Saltenas are delicious. Jordan Bolte didn't lie.
5. I am playing Wallyball tonight just down the street from my apartment, and I’m excited.
6. I slept 11-12 hours the last 2 nights. Wonderful.
7. We have the day off tomorrow because there’s a planned strike/blockading near my school. I needed a 3-day weekend!!
8. My students are (for the most part) catching on and understanding and learning what I teach them! Success!
9. This Spanish pop music is making me laugh. Also, hearing Celine Dion and old recognizable pop songs in the ketal (grocery store) makes me laugh. Oh, especially when Bolivians sing along with them.
10. The staff/my roommates & friends (all the same people-ha) are wonderful. I love having people over all the time for movies/games/Bible study. I had so much fun playing “Werewolves” (a version of Mafia) on Friday night with a bunch of people.
11. I am using my education to do exactly what I set out to do! And student teaching in a 1st grade class has helped me tremendously in knowing what to do/how to teach my own 1st graders! And it’s awesome that it’s all so fresh in my mind.
12. There is beauty all around me, and the mountains remind me of God’s majesty.
13. I am past the “transitioning” period that was really hard and challenging, and La Paz is beginning to feel more like “home” to me…well, at least a lot more comfortable.
14. I passed a white guy on the street (he with his big camera and obvious American look, me with my Adidas backpack and obvious American look) and it was like we both didn’t know whether to say “Hi” or “Hola” so we both kind of muttered an indistinguishable word under our breaths. It was amusing.
15. I get to teach my students about God and His love, and integrate faith into every subject. And I get to hear my students pray. One person always asks to pray for the poor people in the world. It makes my heart happy.
16. God is with me wherever I am and in whatever circumstance I am and he is growing and stretching me daily. I am learning so much and this experience is priceless!
17. My friends and family, though not physically close by, I can keep close through internet communication, through memories, pictures, and a heart connection that will never fade…only grow stronger I hope. Absence makes the heart grow stronger, right?
18. God’s grace is sufficient.
19. I have no need to fear.
20. I can take life as it comes with faith that God will continue to guide me. There is never a need for stress. Never a need to worry. (Matthew 7:25-34)
21. I changed locations and am now sitting at Alexander’s so I can get Wi-Fi, and I am eating a dish of chocolate ice cream.
I’ve got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart. I’ve got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart to stay.
: )
Love you all. You’re in my thoughts and prayers from afar.
Jules
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Esta Bien
Weekends are sacred. I am praising God today for days of rest!
Just wanted to quick update you all. I had a much better week this week. (This was Week 3 of teaching). I'm getting in the swing of things, and so are my students. The attachment and love is growing between me and them, the respect is growing, and we're getting the routine down. I'm also feeling better--though I'm still congested every morning which is annoying, sleeping better (and naturally--without the use of cold medicine), having more non-school related dreams, and am getting used to the craziness of managing and teaching and planning for a group of 6-year olds (9 boys and 5 girls) that are all at such different language and academic levels.
I don't know if I mentioned it before, but all of my students are ESL. Though some of their parents speak a little English, or even speak English fluently, the first and primary language for all of my students (and parents) is either Spanish or Japanese. I have Natalia, who is new to the school and pretty clueless to what I'm saying most of the day (but is catching onto the routine and displaying her understanding of what we're doing a little bit...sometimes), and then it goes all the way up to Joaquin, whose dad is either from the states or lived there for a bit and knows English, and Joaquin has been learning English since pre-K at the school. He speaks English very weel, is at an H/I reading level, is a helpful translator for his peers, has complex and very advanced thoughts/ideas, and is just way ahead of the rest academically.
It'll be a difficult year, that's for sure, but I'm looking forward to it. There have already been so many highlights, rewarding moments, funny quotes, "I love you's," hugs, and even a kiss on the cheek from Joaquin yesterday at the end of the day! (Shocked me a little, but I guess it's normal here for kids to kiss you on the lips even! I saw his lips ready for a smooch, so I just leaned down and turned my face to the side...haha).
This week I also felt like I could start taking on other things and not wrapping my whole life in teaching and planning, which was wonderful. I played volleyball after school Wednesday with some other teachers and a few middle school/high school students which was like a breath of fresh air...it felt SO good to exercise and have fun with other teachers and not be working in my room till 5 or later. And then later on we had the kick-off meeting to our women's Bible study and we had almost all of the women teachers at the school come, which was great. It was so great to fellowship and eat fajitas and lemon bars and drink tea. We decided we're going to study the book of 1 John. I think Wednesdays will be my favorite. : )
This Thursday after school, Jess and I are going to start Spanish lessons with the Kindergarten aide, Orieta. She is anxious, ready, and excited to teach us, which is awesome, and she is charging us the equivalent of about $3.50 a week for lessons. So nice!
Starting not this Monday, but the following Monday I will start tutoring some of my students after school. Some of my students are so low in English, I feel I am not the best tutor for them so I'm going to see if they can get some help from one of the ESL teachers. But there are a couple students that speak English pretty well but need academic help that I can definitely provide for them. I really like working one-on-one or in a small group with students, so though it'll be more work and planning to take this on as well, I am looking forward to it and hoping it'll help those individuals and begin to bring them up to speed with the rest of the class.
Yesterday after school was an adventure and a lot of fun. Bekah and I went to immigration with Monica (our last step in the process). All we had to do was fill out a form and Monica had other paperwork and money for us to give them. They took our folders of stuff with our passports and wrote on papers and stamped things and we were all set after only about an hour there, which was a blessing.
So since Bekah and I were in the city (Calacoto, where we live is not "really" the city..or "downtown"..and neither is Mallasilla, where the school is..that's even further out), we decided it'd be fun to eat out in the city so we met up with Sarah, Scott, Becky, Bjorlie, Becca, Ali, Joy, and Jess at an Asian restaurant in a section of the city called Sopacachi at 7 for some amazing food! But before that, we had time to kill and we were hungry for something little to tide us over till dinner (it was like 5), so Monica gave us directions to a donut shop that we keep hearing is the best place to go for a good donut (and for those of you that don't know, i LOVE donuts..haha), but we got lost and couldn't find it :( We ended up going to Alexander's, which is a coffee chain around the city that's kind of like Starbucks (even has free wifi!), and I got a cookie and Bekah got a muffin. We were sitting in there for awhile just talking and then trying to figure out where to go/how to kill time, and Bekah teaches middle school English and Social Studies, so she had 3 books in her bag that she needs to read because her students are reading them, one of which was "Maniac Magee," which is one of my favorite books ever. And I also love reading out loud, so we sat in Alexander's and I read aloud part of Maniac Magee to her. Then it got kind of smokey in there, so we went out in the plaza and sat on a bench and I read more...haha. We were getting some stares...Then we met up with the group at the Asian restaurant. I got Thai food--Shrimp in coconut milk with red curry and pineapple. It came with onions and rice too. Oh man, it was DELICIOUS. And I had my first "Sex on the Beach" drink too. Mmmm. It was a good time and I definitely want to go back there.
Today I slept in and have been just lounging in my pajamas. I just talked to my friend Kenzie on Skype, which was wonderful. I miss her a lot and it's great to share first year teaching experiences. We definitely have very different experiences, but both are hard and good in their own ways.
Tonight Sarah, Bekah, and I (and probably others) are going to Community Group at a missionary couple's house. We have to come up with a dish to bring to share...And tomorrow morning at the English-speaking church I'm beginning to go to, there is a potluck lunch after church, so we have to figure out something to bring to that too! The ketal (grocery store) and Yamaha store (yes, there's one within walking distance of my apartment!) are on my list of places to go/things to do today. I have been meaning to get guitar strings for FOREVER so that I can finally play this guitar that was left for me. I miss playing so much. My life has just been crazy and I keep forgetting/I went last weekend and didn't know what type of strings to get (but Isaac recommended steel over nylon for this guitar...so now I know).
Life is good. It's always good. It just has its mountains to climb (speaking of which, I'm getting antsy to climb these beautiful mountains around me...sometime soon I'm determined to). God is faithful and I appreciate all your prayers and encouragement.
Love to you all,
Jules
Just wanted to quick update you all. I had a much better week this week. (This was Week 3 of teaching). I'm getting in the swing of things, and so are my students. The attachment and love is growing between me and them, the respect is growing, and we're getting the routine down. I'm also feeling better--though I'm still congested every morning which is annoying, sleeping better (and naturally--without the use of cold medicine), having more non-school related dreams, and am getting used to the craziness of managing and teaching and planning for a group of 6-year olds (9 boys and 5 girls) that are all at such different language and academic levels.
I don't know if I mentioned it before, but all of my students are ESL. Though some of their parents speak a little English, or even speak English fluently, the first and primary language for all of my students (and parents) is either Spanish or Japanese. I have Natalia, who is new to the school and pretty clueless to what I'm saying most of the day (but is catching onto the routine and displaying her understanding of what we're doing a little bit...sometimes), and then it goes all the way up to Joaquin, whose dad is either from the states or lived there for a bit and knows English, and Joaquin has been learning English since pre-K at the school. He speaks English very weel, is at an H/I reading level, is a helpful translator for his peers, has complex and very advanced thoughts/ideas, and is just way ahead of the rest academically.
It'll be a difficult year, that's for sure, but I'm looking forward to it. There have already been so many highlights, rewarding moments, funny quotes, "I love you's," hugs, and even a kiss on the cheek from Joaquin yesterday at the end of the day! (Shocked me a little, but I guess it's normal here for kids to kiss you on the lips even! I saw his lips ready for a smooch, so I just leaned down and turned my face to the side...haha).
This week I also felt like I could start taking on other things and not wrapping my whole life in teaching and planning, which was wonderful. I played volleyball after school Wednesday with some other teachers and a few middle school/high school students which was like a breath of fresh air...it felt SO good to exercise and have fun with other teachers and not be working in my room till 5 or later. And then later on we had the kick-off meeting to our women's Bible study and we had almost all of the women teachers at the school come, which was great. It was so great to fellowship and eat fajitas and lemon bars and drink tea. We decided we're going to study the book of 1 John. I think Wednesdays will be my favorite. : )
This Thursday after school, Jess and I are going to start Spanish lessons with the Kindergarten aide, Orieta. She is anxious, ready, and excited to teach us, which is awesome, and she is charging us the equivalent of about $3.50 a week for lessons. So nice!
Starting not this Monday, but the following Monday I will start tutoring some of my students after school. Some of my students are so low in English, I feel I am not the best tutor for them so I'm going to see if they can get some help from one of the ESL teachers. But there are a couple students that speak English pretty well but need academic help that I can definitely provide for them. I really like working one-on-one or in a small group with students, so though it'll be more work and planning to take this on as well, I am looking forward to it and hoping it'll help those individuals and begin to bring them up to speed with the rest of the class.
Yesterday after school was an adventure and a lot of fun. Bekah and I went to immigration with Monica (our last step in the process). All we had to do was fill out a form and Monica had other paperwork and money for us to give them. They took our folders of stuff with our passports and wrote on papers and stamped things and we were all set after only about an hour there, which was a blessing.
So since Bekah and I were in the city (Calacoto, where we live is not "really" the city..or "downtown"..and neither is Mallasilla, where the school is..that's even further out), we decided it'd be fun to eat out in the city so we met up with Sarah, Scott, Becky, Bjorlie, Becca, Ali, Joy, and Jess at an Asian restaurant in a section of the city called Sopacachi at 7 for some amazing food! But before that, we had time to kill and we were hungry for something little to tide us over till dinner (it was like 5), so Monica gave us directions to a donut shop that we keep hearing is the best place to go for a good donut (and for those of you that don't know, i LOVE donuts..haha), but we got lost and couldn't find it :( We ended up going to Alexander's, which is a coffee chain around the city that's kind of like Starbucks (even has free wifi!), and I got a cookie and Bekah got a muffin. We were sitting in there for awhile just talking and then trying to figure out where to go/how to kill time, and Bekah teaches middle school English and Social Studies, so she had 3 books in her bag that she needs to read because her students are reading them, one of which was "Maniac Magee," which is one of my favorite books ever. And I also love reading out loud, so we sat in Alexander's and I read aloud part of Maniac Magee to her. Then it got kind of smokey in there, so we went out in the plaza and sat on a bench and I read more...haha. We were getting some stares...Then we met up with the group at the Asian restaurant. I got Thai food--Shrimp in coconut milk with red curry and pineapple. It came with onions and rice too. Oh man, it was DELICIOUS. And I had my first "Sex on the Beach" drink too. Mmmm. It was a good time and I definitely want to go back there.
Today I slept in and have been just lounging in my pajamas. I just talked to my friend Kenzie on Skype, which was wonderful. I miss her a lot and it's great to share first year teaching experiences. We definitely have very different experiences, but both are hard and good in their own ways.
Tonight Sarah, Bekah, and I (and probably others) are going to Community Group at a missionary couple's house. We have to come up with a dish to bring to share...And tomorrow morning at the English-speaking church I'm beginning to go to, there is a potluck lunch after church, so we have to figure out something to bring to that too! The ketal (grocery store) and Yamaha store (yes, there's one within walking distance of my apartment!) are on my list of places to go/things to do today. I have been meaning to get guitar strings for FOREVER so that I can finally play this guitar that was left for me. I miss playing so much. My life has just been crazy and I keep forgetting/I went last weekend and didn't know what type of strings to get (but Isaac recommended steel over nylon for this guitar...so now I know).
Life is good. It's always good. It just has its mountains to climb (speaking of which, I'm getting antsy to climb these beautiful mountains around me...sometime soon I'm determined to). God is faithful and I appreciate all your prayers and encouragement.
Love to you all,
Jules
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Gaining Endurance
This week has been rough.
I've been battling a cold and I've been close to losing my voice several times; a couple nights this week I had horrible sleep because of congestion/runny nose (I finally got a Bolivian theraflu equivalent that has helped me a lot the past few nights); I developed lower back pain yesterday when I woke up; my students are still not used to such long days and are super chatty/goofy; I'm thinking I might not have started out firm enough because I have to repeat myself so much to get people to do things (and it's so hard to tell if part of it's the language barrier or if they're just choosing to ignore me/not listening); and the language barrier is still frustrating (for example, today, I wanted to figure out 2 "no name" homework papers, and saying "raise your hand if you turned in your homework" was too complicated for most of them to understand.)
The worst day this week was Wednesday. I had to go to the "health clinic"....another step in the process of getting a permanent visa. Before this, I had to get pictures taken, get fingerprinted at 2 different locations, and sign 20+ papers...don't ask me what they're for...Next and final stop, the immigration office. Monica, who works for the school and is handling all of this paperwork and taking the newbies to and from these places, took the second group of us (me, Bekah, and Becca) to the health clinic yesterday morning. Two teachers covered my class the couple hours I was gone (one who said it was the most dramatic hour of her life and she doesn't know how I do it....made me feel a little better about my life... :P).
Anyways, so we had to fast (which I hate, because I feel like I need breakfast in the morning or I can't function), I was feeling miserable and congested, and Bekah can attest to the fact that I was grumbling from the time I got up in the morning. I was first taken to a room where I got my blood tested, which was a horror story...she took my right arm and couldn't find my vein, poking around my arm while my eyes were closed cuz I can't watch these things. She began mumbling and grumbling in Spanish and I couldn't ask her what was wrong and there was no communication in either direction. She then put a rubber tie thing around my left arm like she was about to poke around trying to find the vein in my left arm, at which point I called for Monica because I knew it was easier to find the vein in my right arm and I did not want her poking around now in my left arm...oh boy. I prayed so much during that whole ordeal...She finally found my vein, thank God. My arm looks pretty disgusting and bruised still, 3 days later. Eeek.
Next, I had to strip and get my chest/ribs x-rayed and was ordered to do things in Spanish (I was told kind of what I needed to do by Becca, but still, it was confusing), then I went in another room to get my teeth checked where I was asked questions about my teeth (in Spanish)...I kind of blindly said "no" to things (Bekah told me say "no" to everything...weird when you don't know what she's asking you), and she kept saying "muy bien" to my teeth, but told me I need "fluor..." which I asked Monica later, and she said it was fluoride. (Yeah, sure I need fluoride.) Then I sat in with Monica while I was asked various medical questions...Oh man. The whole experience was frustrating. Then, after a quick empanada with Bekah and Becca at a local cafe, we went back to school. It was SO good to see my kids after that...I had no idea I would be so happy to see them. And then, of course, they were thrown off by the craziness of the morning, so quickly they became a bit of a headache, as much as I love them.
I am going to be totally honest and vulnerable right now.
Sometimes the things I write in this blog (like, specifically my last post) I have a lot of trouble believing.
Sometimes I speak Christianese when I only half-heartedly believe it/think it's true.
It's not hard for me to believe that there is a God. Logically, it makes sense to me, and the complexity of humans, of creation, of all that I've experienced in my life point to an intelligent Creator/Being. But I doubt God's goodness, I doubt my teaching ability/"calling" still (it's not an overnight change), I doubt this is where I should be, I doubt that prayer really works, I doubt that God is active and really working through me or if when things are good I'm just doing a better job of pulling out "teacher Julie".....
But these doubts that creep up all the time, I have finally realized, come up when my circumstances are hard or not ideal. When I experience some kind of pain or suffering or hardship. And when I experience these things, I so quickly cry out to God, "WHY?!" and doubt that He's a good God.
I equate my circumstances with God's character.
The theological question I've always struggled with the most is "Why would an all powerful God allow suffering?" and along with that, the question, "Why would God allow people to experience Hell?" And I am realizing, those questions, are part of my problem of equating what happens in the world/the consequences of free will with who God is.
I forget...God is not of this world. He created it to be good, he gave us free will so loving Him would not be an obligation but a choice (thereby making glorification of His being real and not forced), and He hates what has happened and what happens in this world just as much as we do. Yet, He IS still involved in the world and wants us to trust, pray, obey, love, forgive, and humble ourselves before Him so that He knows we are still clinging to Him despite the evils of the world. We have the promise that the world will be restored someday, but for right now, there is still a battle going on between good and evil. There is an earthly kingdom and a heavenly kingdom. And Heaven will meet Earth one day.
In the meantime, God never promised our circumstances would always be good, but He did promise He'd be with us. And He tells us to have joy in all circumstances.
The beginning of James 1 says "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do."
My faith is being tested. My endurance is growing. That is what is happening in this season.
And after reading this, I asked myself, when I pray, do I really have faith that God will come through and answer my prayers? I pray wishfully for myself and others, but do I pray fervently and confidently that my God will restore, provide, heal, and equip? I think God is looking down at me grumble and complain and get wrapped up in my circumstances and the here and now and is saying, "Jules, you have so little faith in me!"
I did not choose an easy road, and I guess I didn't realize the full of weight of my decision to move to Bolivia until I was here. It's hard not to get homesick, especially when life is overwhelming. Sometimes I just want my mom here to give me a hug and comfort me, to be at The Mercy House on a Sunday morning, or talk to good friends in person rather than through Facebook or Skype, or go to Target or Jewel!!! No one really knows me here, which is also a struggle, and building relationships to the extent my relationships are with friends and family in the states, I have to realize, will just take time. I know I am still just in the process of transitioning here, and I will develop a greater love for everything and everyone here with time. It's just difficult to see right now, and I want all of you--my friends and family--to know exactly where I'm at and not sugar-coat my experience here.
Thank you so much for all of your prayers. Please don't at all pity me or feel bad for me for having to go through these things. Again, I know that my endurance is growing and that my faith is being tested in this time, so just pray I continue to hold tightly to the truth and have faith and joy through these somewhat uncomfortable and trying circumstances.
I love you all and you're in my thoughts and prayers (and dreams!),
Jules
Friday, August 19, 2011
Amen
I just heard this song and loved it...It's by the Michael Gungor Band. I was listening to music on Grooveshark early this morning as I was in my classroom getting ready for school, and it literally made me shout out loud (to no one), "AMEN!" Both the music and lyrics are great. I highly recommend Gungor and the Michael Gungor Band.
White Man
Words and music by Michael Gungor and Lisa Gungor
God is not a man
God is not a white man
God is not a man sitting on a cloud
God cannot be bought
God will not be boxed in
God will not be owned by religion
But God is love, God is love, and He loves everyone
God is love, God is love, and He loves everyone
God is not a man
God is not an old man
God does not belong to Republicans
God is not a flag
Not even American
And God does not depend on a government
But God is good, God is good, and He loves everyone
God is good, God is good, and He loves everyone
Atheists and Charlatans and Communists and Lesbians
And even old Pat Robertson, oh God He loves us all
Catholic or Protestant, Terrorist or President
Everybody, everybody, love, love, love, love, love
Oh, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Yeah, I say God is love, God is love, and He loves everyone
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Stop the hating, please just stop the hating now cause God is love
Oh, whoa, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
White Man
Words and music by Michael Gungor and Lisa Gungor
God is not a man
God is not a white man
God is not a man sitting on a cloud
God cannot be bought
God will not be boxed in
God will not be owned by religion
But God is love, God is love, and He loves everyone
God is love, God is love, and He loves everyone
God is not a man
God is not an old man
God does not belong to Republicans
God is not a flag
Not even American
And God does not depend on a government
But God is good, God is good, and He loves everyone
God is good, God is good, and He loves everyone
Atheists and Charlatans and Communists and Lesbians
And even old Pat Robertson, oh God He loves us all
Catholic or Protestant, Terrorist or President
Everybody, everybody, love, love, love, love, love
Oh, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Yeah, I say God is love, God is love, and He loves everyone
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Stop the hating, please just stop the hating now cause God is love
Oh, whoa, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Living within God's Will
So, I survived the first week of school.
The first day was rough, Tuesday and Wednesday were a lot better, and Thursday and today my little first graders were just TIRED and so, naturally, a little crazy. And oh man, was I tired too! Those kids drain your energy!
It was hard, it was tiring, it was frustrating at times, but I loved it. I really did. I really do love my job.
I have always asked myself these questions:
Am I cut out for teaching?
Am I capable of doing a good job at this?
Is teaching my "gift" or "calling"?
The first day was rough, Tuesday and Wednesday were a lot better, and Thursday and today my little first graders were just TIRED and so, naturally, a little crazy. And oh man, was I tired too! Those kids drain your energy!
It was hard, it was tiring, it was frustrating at times, but I loved it. I really did. I really do love my job.
I have always asked myself these questions:
Am I cut out for teaching?
Am I capable of doing a good job at this?
Is teaching my "gift" or "calling"?
And I am so excited I finally believe that yes, this is where I should be and what I should be doing. Maybe teaching doesn't come as naturally or easily to me as others I've seen, but God has grown me and prepared me to do this (at least, at this time in my life). I've realized, too, that a lot of things that don't come that "naturally" to me are often the things that I thrive and grow in the most. I truly believe we have many "natural" tendencies but the supernatural--what the Holy Spirit produces within us--that is something we don't have any control or power over. The Spirit allows us to act, speak, and love outside or apart from our natural inclinations, and we are therefore denying ourselves and our own power/abilities/natural tendencies and thriving because we are totally reliant upon what we don't have in ourselves to give on our own.
My personality type, according to the DISC personality test I took at PFO told me I am a high "S," which means I value steadiness. Because of this, my transition to Bolivia is not something small to me; this is a huge shift to my world and it may take some significant time to adjust and cope with all of the changes. My strengths are reliability, loyalty, building relationships, and agreeability. My weaknesses include avoiding conflict, procrastinating, and indecisiveness....this is me to a T. Yet, I am not defined by these characteristics. That is not who I am, only my natural tendencies. I have experienced God working in my life and in my heart, giving me supernatural abilities and traits that are opposed to my natural inclinations. For example, I am not an assertive person naturally, yet God has given me the gift of discernment, and with that the strength to speak into situations that I know are not right. And then, obviously, if I feel I need steadiness and a sense of security in my life, then making a decision within a couple of weeks and picking up and moving to Bolivia where I don't know anyone and no one knows me, that is far from comfortable or natural for me. Yet, God calls me out of my comfort zone again and again and I experience myself thriving and growing in ways I couldn't have imagined.
And so, this teaching thing, in a lot of ways did not seem to be a natural gifting of mine. I realized this when I first started out in classes and labs my freshman year of college. I'm still not sure why I picked elementary education. I think, really, to some extent, it was the practicality of it. I told myself I should start in it and then switch out of it if I wanted to since it was such a big major and it would be easier to switch out than switch into it. I didn't really think I would stay in it, but I did (you could probably blame that on me feeling loyal to the department and wanting security and steadiness!) I mean, don't get me wrong, it wasn't like it was a "bad" fit for me...I mean, I love kids (but there aren't many people in this world who don't), and there are definitely traits that I have naturally that make me an ideal candidate for a teacher (patience, compassion, a desire to help kids understand.) But it takes a lot to be a good teacher. And I've struggled these last 4 years to see that I had it in me. I don't feel I am all that creative, I hate public speaking (granted it's a little different in front of kids--but in classes, I had to give lots of presentations in front of my peers and professors), I procrastinated on a lot of projects and papers, I contemplated other majors through the years, I lean toward being an introvert and wanting a slow-paced job, and though I got A's in I think all of my education classes, I felt, comparatively, far from being one of the "top" future teachers in the class.
Yet, if I felt I was the "perfect" teacher and never second-guessed that this profession was for me, I wonder how much of a failure I'd be at my job. What I mean is, if I thought I had it down, that I was perfect for this job, that I had been blessed with every single supposed "quality of a teacher," would I be relying on God's strength, wisdom, patience, grace, and supernatural energy to get me through each day? I like control and I have difficulty trusting God. God knows this about me. So it makes sense that He would bring me into a profession in which I am forced to give up control. And what's amazing is, though I know I have a long way to go as a teacher, I feel like I am thriving. I feel like even though it is maybe not the most "natural" fit for me in some ways, that is at the same time, the perfect fit for me, because I am living in God's will for me.
Because the other teachers and I have followed God's call on our lives to be in this place and serve in this place, I am sure that Satan is trying to bring us down. I am sick for the second time here (not as bad, but with a cold mixed with a little sickness I think because of something I ate at a Bolivian restaurant yesterday), and Bekah, my roommate, has salmanella! Please be in prayer for good health for both of us and for all of the other staff. Also, all of the new teachers had to go to Interpol (international police) and the local police on Friday after school to sign documents and get fingerprinted. We only have 30 day visas right now, so we have to go through the process of getting a more permanent visa (I forget if it's 1 or 2 years). We have to go to the doctor to get blood tests this week and miss part of our morning at school, so others will have to fill in to sub for us. Please pray that everything goes well with this whole process (I've heard it is hellish to go through), and that covering all our classes goes well for the other teachers that have to do that! (There aren't really "subs" here...!) Also, pray that planning goes well. I am super overwhelmed by it all, because we don't have curriculum books to follow, just curriculum guides that are sometimes kind of abstract and hard to follow. Pray I'm able to take the curriculum guides, random books that I have, and ideas from classes/labs/student teaching to best educate and help my students. And most of all, that I would remember to keep relying and trusting in God for strength, energy, and everything I need.
Lots of love,
Jules
Monday, August 8, 2011
And so it begins...
Today was hard. Overall, good, but hard.
I've had so many different teaching experiences over the years in so many different settings that I feel like nothing should surprise me. I've taught in rural, suburban, and urban schools in the states. I've taught English in Ethiopia. I've taught or helped out in grades K-12 and have worked with kids with ADD, dyslexia, and other learning disabilities. I've taught kids from all different backgrounds, races, and socio-economic statuses. I've tutored, helped out in classrooms, taught lessons in classrooms, student taught, co-taught, and substitute taught.
With all this experience, I've gained a wealth of knowledge and discernment, and I feel I have truly been prepared well to take on a full time teaching responsibility. But all this being said, being a first time, full time teacher with the full responsibility of a class of students for the whole year is an enormous task to take on, and something in which all my previous experiences cannot compare.
It is a whole different ball game. And not only is full time teaching on my own a whole different ball game, but being in Bolivia as a full time teacher is like a whole different ball game on another planet where you don't understand all the rules to the ball game.
I've had plenty of challenges, especially after teaching 1st grade at an inner city public school in Indianapolis. I thought after that experience, I could take on anything. (I also swore I would never teach 1st grade, but God has a sense of humor in making the only open elementary position at this school I felt called to in Bolivia a 1st grade position.)
Yet, this challenge is one in which I am not as familiar--having students not understand me! And me not being able to understand students! And not just because they mumble! Like, I don't understand the words coming out of their mouths. Like, they're either speaking Spanish or Japanese. And it's so frustrating because so often today I felt I couldn't give them what they needed or I saw the looks on my students' faces of a mixture of frustration and sadness that communication between us was broken. As my roommate, Bekah, exclaimed the other night "I HATE THE TOWER OF BABEL!" haha. I couldn't have said it better myself...
God must be really wanting to push me, because the aid I met last week during work week, who I was supposed to have help me, who is fluent in Spanish (and might also know some Japanese actually because she is Japanese!) just quit...right before school started. It was a surprise to everyone.
Thankfully, Paula, the pre-K aid is available in the afternoons to help me out (since pre-K is only in the morning), so I have her help in the afternoons which is a blessing. And Scott might have found someone to help me out at least a couple days a week. He introduced me to her at church on Sunday. So pray that she accepts the position! (She seemed a little hesitant about doing it...just the vibe I got).
What will also be a big help is Becca, the ESL teacher. She was sick today, but she'll be working with a lot of my students.
I have one girl who was just sprung on me today so I had to figure out a desk and chair and makeshift cubby real quick. Her name is Natalia. She's new to the school, still only 5 years old, is Bolivian but was just at a school in China for awhile, and is now back. She seemed clueless all day as to what I was saying. She should be in kindergarten but I guess there was not enough room for her (which I don't totally understand). She fell on her way to lunch today and hurt her mouth--her teeth were bleeding a little and her upper lip was slightly scraped. I stayed with her while another teacher got her an ice pack. But she was crying for awhile, not only because of the fall (which really wasn't too bad), but I think just from everything being so foreign to her and not being able to understand, and just thrown into the class last minute. She kept saying "mama" and "casa" like she wanted to just go home. And she wouldn't eat her lunch because her mouth was hurting. I felt so bad for this little girl and though I tried to comfort her, it was hard when I felt nothing I said she could understand. Thankfully hugs and a hand around the shoulder are universal.
I think this all is so frustrating to me is because my favorite part of teaching is when I see the lightbulb come on--when students get it. And, I should say, that some seemed to get it and understand most or maybe even all of what I said today, which was so great to see. But I was so...envious..in a way, when Victor game in my class for the special of the day--Bolivian Social Studies. He spoke to the students only in Spanish and all of the students (even the 2 Japanese ones...they know Spanish too) seemed so much more comfortable, at ease, and happy! They understood him fully and they weren't as nervous or scared or hesitant or giving him blank stares. They responded to him so well, and I want that!! Selfishly, I am so jealous of it! And speaking unselfishly, I was so delighted to see my students light up and laugh and speak comfortably and effortlessly.
I'm excited for the points of the year when lightbulbs turn on in my students' minds. When listening and speaking and reading and writing all in English aren't burdens but are times of joy and of feeling a sense of achievement and accomplishment.
Even though it's hard and I wonder if I'm cut out for this, I know there's a reason I'm here and that God hand-picked these students to make up my first ever class as a "real" teacher! And I am trusting in God for energy, strength, discernment, flexibility, and good time management since I don't really have lesson plans past tomorrow (I'm going day by day here...getting a classroom ready and figuring out curriculum guides and what to teach and how to teach and procedures and being in tons of meetings all in just a week is NOT enough time.) So this weekend I will be planning all of next week, and I'll plan week by week after that (what we are required to do...but we were given grace this first week).
Your prayers with all of this craziness would be appreciated. Also, please pray specifically for Natalia, Mayo, and Sakura since they seem to struggle the most with understanding me and communicating things to me. And pray for Pablo! He is a handful! He's a sweet boy, but he cannot stop moving and touching things!! It was exhausting saying his name so many times, and I hated to take recess time away on the first day, but I made him move his clothespin to yellow and sit out for a few minutes in the classroom.
I am SO tired after today. I am not accustomed to getting up at 5:45 am. It is NOT OK. It's 9:30 and I'm calling it a night.
Much love and thanks for reading and for keeping in touch via technology! Bekah and I already know we are going to be SO ready to go back to the U.S. at Christmas! ha! Not that we hate it here or anything, but we miss lots of the comforts of "home"...if nothing else, having only the English language spoken around us!
I've had so many different teaching experiences over the years in so many different settings that I feel like nothing should surprise me. I've taught in rural, suburban, and urban schools in the states. I've taught English in Ethiopia. I've taught or helped out in grades K-12 and have worked with kids with ADD, dyslexia, and other learning disabilities. I've taught kids from all different backgrounds, races, and socio-economic statuses. I've tutored, helped out in classrooms, taught lessons in classrooms, student taught, co-taught, and substitute taught.
With all this experience, I've gained a wealth of knowledge and discernment, and I feel I have truly been prepared well to take on a full time teaching responsibility. But all this being said, being a first time, full time teacher with the full responsibility of a class of students for the whole year is an enormous task to take on, and something in which all my previous experiences cannot compare.
It is a whole different ball game. And not only is full time teaching on my own a whole different ball game, but being in Bolivia as a full time teacher is like a whole different ball game on another planet where you don't understand all the rules to the ball game.
I've had plenty of challenges, especially after teaching 1st grade at an inner city public school in Indianapolis. I thought after that experience, I could take on anything. (I also swore I would never teach 1st grade, but God has a sense of humor in making the only open elementary position at this school I felt called to in Bolivia a 1st grade position.)
Yet, this challenge is one in which I am not as familiar--having students not understand me! And me not being able to understand students! And not just because they mumble! Like, I don't understand the words coming out of their mouths. Like, they're either speaking Spanish or Japanese. And it's so frustrating because so often today I felt I couldn't give them what they needed or I saw the looks on my students' faces of a mixture of frustration and sadness that communication between us was broken. As my roommate, Bekah, exclaimed the other night "I HATE THE TOWER OF BABEL!" haha. I couldn't have said it better myself...
God must be really wanting to push me, because the aid I met last week during work week, who I was supposed to have help me, who is fluent in Spanish (and might also know some Japanese actually because she is Japanese!) just quit...right before school started. It was a surprise to everyone.
Thankfully, Paula, the pre-K aid is available in the afternoons to help me out (since pre-K is only in the morning), so I have her help in the afternoons which is a blessing. And Scott might have found someone to help me out at least a couple days a week. He introduced me to her at church on Sunday. So pray that she accepts the position! (She seemed a little hesitant about doing it...just the vibe I got).
What will also be a big help is Becca, the ESL teacher. She was sick today, but she'll be working with a lot of my students.
I have one girl who was just sprung on me today so I had to figure out a desk and chair and makeshift cubby real quick. Her name is Natalia. She's new to the school, still only 5 years old, is Bolivian but was just at a school in China for awhile, and is now back. She seemed clueless all day as to what I was saying. She should be in kindergarten but I guess there was not enough room for her (which I don't totally understand). She fell on her way to lunch today and hurt her mouth--her teeth were bleeding a little and her upper lip was slightly scraped. I stayed with her while another teacher got her an ice pack. But she was crying for awhile, not only because of the fall (which really wasn't too bad), but I think just from everything being so foreign to her and not being able to understand, and just thrown into the class last minute. She kept saying "mama" and "casa" like she wanted to just go home. And she wouldn't eat her lunch because her mouth was hurting. I felt so bad for this little girl and though I tried to comfort her, it was hard when I felt nothing I said she could understand. Thankfully hugs and a hand around the shoulder are universal.
I think this all is so frustrating to me is because my favorite part of teaching is when I see the lightbulb come on--when students get it. And, I should say, that some seemed to get it and understand most or maybe even all of what I said today, which was so great to see. But I was so...envious..in a way, when Victor game in my class for the special of the day--Bolivian Social Studies. He spoke to the students only in Spanish and all of the students (even the 2 Japanese ones...they know Spanish too) seemed so much more comfortable, at ease, and happy! They understood him fully and they weren't as nervous or scared or hesitant or giving him blank stares. They responded to him so well, and I want that!! Selfishly, I am so jealous of it! And speaking unselfishly, I was so delighted to see my students light up and laugh and speak comfortably and effortlessly.
I'm excited for the points of the year when lightbulbs turn on in my students' minds. When listening and speaking and reading and writing all in English aren't burdens but are times of joy and of feeling a sense of achievement and accomplishment.
Even though it's hard and I wonder if I'm cut out for this, I know there's a reason I'm here and that God hand-picked these students to make up my first ever class as a "real" teacher! And I am trusting in God for energy, strength, discernment, flexibility, and good time management since I don't really have lesson plans past tomorrow (I'm going day by day here...getting a classroom ready and figuring out curriculum guides and what to teach and how to teach and procedures and being in tons of meetings all in just a week is NOT enough time.) So this weekend I will be planning all of next week, and I'll plan week by week after that (what we are required to do...but we were given grace this first week).
Your prayers with all of this craziness would be appreciated. Also, please pray specifically for Natalia, Mayo, and Sakura since they seem to struggle the most with understanding me and communicating things to me. And pray for Pablo! He is a handful! He's a sweet boy, but he cannot stop moving and touching things!! It was exhausting saying his name so many times, and I hated to take recess time away on the first day, but I made him move his clothespin to yellow and sit out for a few minutes in the classroom.
I am SO tired after today. I am not accustomed to getting up at 5:45 am. It is NOT OK. It's 9:30 and I'm calling it a night.
Much love and thanks for reading and for keeping in touch via technology! Bekah and I already know we are going to be SO ready to go back to the U.S. at Christmas! ha! Not that we hate it here or anything, but we miss lots of the comforts of "home"...if nothing else, having only the English language spoken around us!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Work Week
Work week at school is underway and it is more than a bit overwhelming.
I have attended several long meetings (a 3 hour meeting yesterday afternoon going over the school handbook…ohhh my); arranged all of the furniture in my classroom; hung up a lot on the wall; met all the staff (whom are so wonderful and helpful); talked and played with my director’s kids; and have soaked up the glorious sun on breaks (God’s gift of grace amidst the chilly winter air).
Note to self: Buy sunscreen.
I am in the process of cleaning and organizing not only my classroom (a daunting task that is stressing me out a bit!), but also our apartment—specifically my bedroom right now. Settling in, feeling in control, having more order, and feeling at least a little sense of accomplishment feels good in the midst of transition, unfamiliarity, and busyness.
I still have so much to do and so much to learn, so I am still feeling like my life is chaotic and I’m starting to come to grips with the fact that A. Life feeling chaotic is natural considering I’m in a new country with a new language and this is my first year teaching, and B. It might take a long, long time for me to feel “settled” or like things are “normal” and “familiar.”
And then there are so many things that I need to do/want to do apart from teaching and I know if I don’t make time for myself and cut some of these things out when I feel I can’t do it, I will fall apart.
I made a list during a meeting:
“Extra-curricular”
· -Tutoring (we are required to tutor at least 1 hour/week after school)
· -Revamping the 1st grade math curriculum (required of me)
· - Alternating Staff meetings/Curriculum meetings (required obviously, every Tuesday after school)
· -Club (adult) volleyball after school
· -Taking Spanish classes!
· -Wednesday night women’s Bible study
· -Sunday morning church
· -Sunday night Wally Ball
· -Saturday night community group (once a month)
What I have to say to that: Thank goodness my roommates and I decided to get a maid 3 days a week to cook and clean!
It’s hard to believe I will be meeting my students and their parents at Open House this Friday morning! I have to get my classroom all clean and organized before then. Then school starts Monday! With all the meetings and classroom preparation I haven’t had a whole lot of time at all yet to look over curriculum guides and my schedule, and start thinking about procedures and lesson plans for next week. I hope I feel prepared come Monday!
I would love prayers that everything comes together in time, my stress is minimal, everything goes smoothly next week, and I would remember to rely on the Lord’s strength and not my own.
Love you all,
Jules
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