I'm "home." Although, you should go back and read my blog post about "home" and what I think it means and how it changes and how I feel I have multiple "homes".....so maybe I should clarify....I am home with my family in Downers Grove, IL. And it's a more familiar place than where I was in La Paz, Bolivia...though that is slowly becoming "home" to me as well as I am growing down roots, starting to get attached to people, and growing in familiarity with what's around me and what I do from day to day.
Time is a funny thing. When I walked in my door, it seemed like it hadn't been all that long since I'd been home, yet I feel like I've lived in Bolivia for about a year.
It is truly a privilege to get to come home and see my family and friends (though I will still be missing the family and friends that are far away!) I was reflecting on this, and feeling pangs of guilt that I am spending so much money on flying back and forth....feeling like that money could be going toward something else, someone else, a ministry that needs it. Yet I came to the realization that coming back and having this break is not just for me (and my sanity!), but God can use me here still, as well as in Bolivia. I can share my experiences, what's going on at my school and about other ministries in La Paz, the poverty and wealth I see contrasted every day, what's going on in the lives of my students, and my own joys and frustrations. I can reconnect with people that mean so much to me and share what's close to my heart, how God is changing me and growing me, how my faith and my walk has been kind of rocky, how I've already felt so much pain and confusion and lack of clarity in my purpose, but have also so experienced so much joy, growth, and support. I can seek out wisdom and advice from family and friends that I trust and that know me. I think my ministry lies in more than 1 place....and my heart surely does. So instead of guilt, I will humbly accept this gift and embrace this time away.
I know I need rest and a lot of self-relfection and time to read and journal and pray and play my guitar. But I also know I am called to share all that I've experienced. And I need those people in my life that have seen me grow and mature and that will speak truth into my life. It's been on my heart lately that I need to make some changes in my life.
For right now....I don't even know what to do with this time of rest. I am feeling antsy right now. And I woke up before 9 this morning...(What the heck? Who am I?) I haven't had a big chunk of time to just rest in so long...and it sounds wonderful but at the same time it's daunting not having a schedule....and when I don't have a schedule, I often start looking for work or for committments so that I HAVE to go to them and then I feel better about myself, my life. But, when I am my own boss and I have things I want to do for me, for some reason, I find it so much more challenging to get motivated. Even though they are things I WANT to do. And I have so much I want to do this break--so many good and healthy things (5 time Yoga groupon, 5 time pass to my town's Rec Center, reading list, starting photo album of college years, learning more Spanish, playing and writing a song or two on guitar, starting a Bible reading plan in January, and of course visiting with friends and family) but I know I'll waste a lot of time if I don't discipline myself.
I read this great quote this morning on twitter:
"You can't truly rest until every area of your life rests in God." -A.W. Tozer
Maybe that's why I'm antsy.........
Lord, give me true rest this break. Let my mind, my heart, my soul, my will, every part of me rest in You. Show me what that means, what that looks like, what I need to surrender, what I need to give to you, what you want me to do and say and read and learn this break.
Amen.
