The first part is something I wrote back at the beginning of June. The second half is something I wrote yesterday and today. There are some themes that tie together...
Sorry for the long hiatus!
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I often feel like I live in the future…I wonder about it,
dream about it, prepare for it, long for it, and fear it (in a healthy way, I
think).
But I’ve realized lately a big part of me is living in the
past. Wishing for things to be how they
were, clinging to all the people who shaped my life, and feeling somewhat
reluctant in making room in my heart for the newer people in my life. Maybe I fear these newer relationships won’t
be as deep, as meaningful…more fleeting.
Maybe I fear if I let too much time pass, the people from my past and
the relationships I’ve built won’t mean as much. Maybe I’m afraid of making any other crazy
leaps, so going back to where I came from seems safe and comfortable and
appealing.
But people change, relationships change, work changes…and I
need to move with the flow of it all, letting go of the rock on the side of a
rushing, raging river, and choosing to let it carry me…even if that’s over a
waterfall.
For being someone that highly values steadiness, consistency,
and being rooted somewhere, I sure have been moving around a lot. I have been thrashed and thrown around, going
through rapids and getting bumped and bruised by sharp rocks along the
way. Being stateside at Christmas and
now this summer, I feel like I’m hanging on to a rock jutting out of the water
and taking a breather. It’s offering me
relief, rest, a chance to catch my breath, and a brief time of processing
what’s happened to me and where this river has taken me. But it also means not wanting to let go. I know I’m going to face fears, anxiety, and
stress again in this upcoming school year.
I know it’s not going to be easy.
It may be easier than my first year, but not easy. But I know all too soon I need to let go and
again experience the exhilaration of riding the waves, the pain of the sharp
rocks, and the fear in not knowing what’s coming up next.
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I’ve been back in Bolivia now for 3 weeks. Back to the daily grind. Back to life feeling more like a raging river. Teaching is exhausting. Especially teaching 1st
graders. Oh my. I know I need to be in prayer more for myself
and my class. I can’t do this on my
own. Sometimes I think I can since I
have a year under my belt, but there’s no way in my own strength I have what it
takes. And it’s scary having little
lives in your hands and under your care all day long. Just yesterday I had a girl pee her pants and
a boy fall and get a concussion within about 10 minutes of each other. That’s just one example of the craziness that
happens.
This year, I have a new apartment and new roommates and
apartment mates. I love it but I’m still
getting used to all the changes—not living in the same place with the same
people, not having familiar places and people (like my cholita friend and fruit
lady) closer by, teachers who became good friends gone this year, a new class
and set of parents, new academic changes and challenges, and just figuring out
a totally new routine. I’ll get there
eventually…soon all the newness will be totally normal. And I guess it’ll all help me distinguish
between my first and second year here. I
loved last year even though it was rough, and I know I’m going to love this
year in a whole new and different way.
Transition always seems to take me awhile…
And soon life will get busier, but seemingly more normal and
routine. Bible study, Spanish lessons,
tutoring, and more will start up. I’m
looking forward to it. And I’m looking
forward to deepening relationships this year.
This place has really become “home” now…I know the streets,
the restaurants, the people, the currency, enough of the language to
communicate what I need…there is no more culture shock. Life here and life in the states just seem like
2 worlds that I keep jumping in and out of and they’re both normal. They’re both “home.”
I had a dream last night that my whole family was in a
familiar restaurant in La Paz that I walked into. They nonchalantly said they were there for
the weekend. Haha. I wonder if maybe more than I am consciously
aware of, I want my 2 worlds to collide.
That I want some semblance of unity in my life…
My prayer: Lord, help
me to keep trusting this is what you want for me, no matter how difficult,
stressful, and overwhelming life can seem.
Help me to keep clinging to You, my ever-present Rock. Even when I’m not at a continued time of
rest, I know You are able to give spiritual/emotional/mental rest any time I
grab a hold of You. Gracias Dios. Hay nadie
como tu.
Thank you to all who are loving me and supporting me in prayer.
Mucho amor,
Julie
