Gaining Endurance

This week has been rough.

I've been battling a cold and I've been close to losing my voice several times; a couple nights this week I had horrible sleep because of congestion/runny nose (I finally got a Bolivian theraflu equivalent that has helped me a lot the past few nights); I developed lower back pain yesterday when I woke up; my students are still not used to such long days and are super chatty/goofy; I'm thinking I might not have started out firm enough because I have to repeat myself so much to get people to do things (and it's so hard to tell if part of it's the language barrier or if they're just choosing to ignore me/not listening); and the language barrier is still frustrating (for example, today, I wanted to figure out 2 "no name" homework papers, and saying "raise your hand if you turned in your homework" was too complicated for most of them to understand.)

The worst day this week was Wednesday.  I had to go to the "health clinic"....another step in the process of getting a permanent visa. Before this, I had to get pictures taken, get fingerprinted at 2 different locations, and sign 20+ papers...don't ask me what they're for...Next and final stop, the immigration office.  Monica, who works for the school and is handling all of this paperwork and taking the newbies to and from these places, took the second group of us (me, Bekah, and Becca) to the health clinic yesterday morning.  Two teachers covered my class the couple hours I was gone (one who said it was the most dramatic hour of her life and she doesn't know how I do it....made me feel a little better about my life... :P).

Anyways, so we had to fast (which I hate, because I feel like I need breakfast in the morning or I can't function), I was feeling miserable and congested, and Bekah can attest to the fact that I was grumbling from the time I got up in the morning.  I was first taken to a room where I got my blood tested, which was a horror story...she took my right arm and couldn't find my vein, poking around my arm while my eyes were closed cuz I can't watch these things.  She began mumbling and grumbling in Spanish and I couldn't ask her what was wrong and there was no communication in either direction.  She then put a rubber tie thing around my left arm like she was about to poke around trying to find the vein in my left arm, at which point I called for Monica because I knew it was easier to find the vein in my right arm and I did not want her poking around now in my left arm...oh boy. I prayed so much during that whole ordeal...She finally found my vein, thank God.  My arm looks pretty disgusting and bruised still, 3 days later. Eeek.

Next, I had to strip and get my chest/ribs x-rayed and was ordered to do things in Spanish (I was told kind of what I needed to do by Becca, but still, it was confusing), then I went in another room to get my teeth checked where I was asked questions about my teeth (in Spanish)...I kind of blindly said "no" to things (Bekah told me say "no" to everything...weird when you don't know what she's asking you), and she kept saying "muy bien" to my teeth, but told me I need "fluor..." which I asked Monica later, and she said it was fluoride. (Yeah, sure I need fluoride.) Then I sat in with Monica while I was asked various medical questions...Oh man. The whole experience was frustrating.  Then, after a quick empanada with Bekah and Becca at a local cafe, we went back to school.  It was SO good to see my kids after that...I had no idea I would be so happy to see them.  And then, of course, they were thrown off by the craziness of the morning, so quickly they became a bit of a headache, as much as I love them.

I am going to be totally honest and vulnerable right now.

Sometimes the things I write in this blog (like, specifically my last post) I have a lot of trouble believing.

Sometimes I speak Christianese when I only half-heartedly believe it/think it's true.

It's not hard for me to believe that there is a God.  Logically, it makes sense to me, and the complexity of humans, of creation, of all that I've experienced in my life point to an intelligent Creator/Being.  But I doubt God's goodness, I doubt my teaching ability/"calling" still (it's not an overnight change), I doubt this is where I should be, I doubt that prayer really works, I doubt that God is active and really working through me or if when things are good I'm just doing a better job of pulling out "teacher Julie".....

But these doubts that creep up all the time, I have finally realized, come up when my circumstances are hard or not ideal.  When I experience some kind of pain or suffering or hardship.  And when I experience these things, I so quickly cry out to God, "WHY?!" and doubt that He's a good God. 

I equate my circumstances with God's character.

The theological question I've always struggled with the most is "Why would an all powerful God allow suffering?" and along with that, the question, "Why would God allow people to experience Hell?"  And I am realizing, those questions, are part of my problem of equating what happens in the world/the consequences of free will with who God is.

I forget...God is not of this world.  He created it to be good, he gave us free will so loving Him would not be an obligation but a choice (thereby making glorification of His being real and not forced), and He hates what has happened and what happens in this world just as much as we do.  Yet, He IS still involved in the world and wants us to trust, pray, obey, love, forgive, and humble ourselves before Him so that He knows we are still clinging to Him despite the evils of the world.  We have the promise that the world will be restored someday, but for right now, there is still a battle going on between good and evil.  There is an earthly kingdom and a heavenly kingdom.  And Heaven will meet Earth one day.

In the meantime, God never promised our circumstances would always be good, but He did promise He'd be with us.  And He tells us to have joy in all circumstances.

The beginning of James 1 says "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do."

My faith is being tested.  My endurance is growing.  That is what is happening in this season.

And after reading this, I asked myself, when I pray, do I really have faith that God will come through and answer my prayers?  I pray wishfully for myself and others, but do I pray fervently and confidently that my God will restore, provide, heal, and equip?  I think God is looking down at me grumble and complain and get wrapped up in my circumstances and the here and now and is saying, "Jules, you have so little faith in me!"

I did not choose an easy road, and I guess I didn't realize the full of weight of my decision to move to Bolivia until I was here.  It's hard not to get homesick, especially when life is overwhelming.  Sometimes I just want my mom here to give me a hug and comfort me, to be at The Mercy House on a Sunday morning, or talk to good friends in person rather than through Facebook or Skype, or go to Target or Jewel!!!  No one really knows me here, which is also a struggle, and building relationships to the extent my relationships are with friends and family in the states, I have to realize, will just take time.  I know I am still just in the process of transitioning here, and I will develop a greater love for everything and everyone here with time.  It's just difficult to see right now, and I want all of you--my friends and family--to know exactly where I'm at and not sugar-coat my experience here.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers.  Please don't at all pity me or feel bad for me for having to go through these things.  Again, I know that my endurance is growing and that my faith is being tested in this time, so just pray I continue to hold tightly to the truth and have faith and joy through these somewhat uncomfortable and trying circumstances. 


I love you all and you're in my thoughts and prayers (and dreams!),


Jules