Yo confio en ti.

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve updated my blog!

Not much can top my Rurrenebaque story (see blog post below!) but I will inform you of some happenings in my life in La Paz!

Let's see, last weekend we had a staff retreat (also in a jungly part of Bolivia) a few hours away from La Paz.  It was really nice to get away and experience the warmth and humidity of a lower altitude, play and rest and talk by a pool, and especially worship together and be fed with truth.  I appreciated it a lot and was really blessed by it!  Unfortunately, the cold that I had turned into a nasty infection!  (I'm blaming the maybe not-so-chlorinated pool that I chose to put my head in when I had a cold.)  But really, it was so hard to resist.  I'm not the kind of girl that's concerned about keeping her hair dry or something.  My mom has referred to me as a "fish" before.

My first graders and I have had a pretty good start to the quarter.  I gained one more student, Anett, just last week—making the girl count now higher than the boy count (9 girls and 8 boys).  It’s always challenging having a student come in the middle of the school year, especially with no English.  I am trying my best to engage her and encourage her, and right now that can really only be done in Spanish.  I’m glad I am at the stage where I at least can say most basic conversational/1^st grade level words and we’re able to communicate.  She’s had what seems like a pretty easy transition to Highlands since the other girls in my class quickly befriended her.  At least, she hasn’t cried and smiles at me often!  :)

It’s still challenging and exhausting teaching 1^st grade, but it definitely is a privilege that I often overlook.  I’m becoming a better teacher and it’s nice to hear from the lead elementary teacher that I’ve grown so much since last year and am a great teacher.  There are always a million things to do outside of the actual teaching part of my job too.  I think those other areas (weekly planning, grading, unit planning, preparing tests/worksheets/homework, and completing all I’m supposed to leave behind for the next teacher) take the backburner a little bit when I just want to use my 1 planning period a day recuperating from teaching/disciplining/dealing with problems!  I wish there were more time in the day.  Don’t we all.

On that note, I am looking forward to this upcoming 4-day weekend (for Carnaval) to fully rest and recuperate from this crazy nose/throat infection I have, catch up and get ahead with some school work, hang out with friends, read, and watch movies!  I wanted to go to the beach in Arica, Chile but I am feeling good about my decision to rest and stay home especially after this sickness that has taken over my body!  I hope I will have another chance to go to Chile—maybe once school ends.

And that brings me to my next subject!  I am really looking forward to the end of May, because my parents and probably my youngest brother (Paul) are coming!!!!  And then school ends and I’ll be an emotional wreck but I’ll have my parents there to comfort me!  So once school is out and I’ve officially said goodbye and turned in my key and have all my checklists checked off, my family and I can enjoy some quality time in La Paz together.  Then, they’ll go down to Cochabamba, Bolivia with me and I will start my next adventure!

As I’ve mentioned before, I will be going to Cochabamba to be involved in a program called “Sustainable Bolivia.”  I am going to take 4 hours of Spanish a day, live with a host family, and do some volunteering.  I originally was planning on doing this for about 5 months, until November.  However, my brother (Dan) is getting married at the end of July!  He just proposed a few days after Christmas.  So, of course, that caused an unexpected change of plans, and I’m going to have to change my flight from November to mid-July.  I thought about coming back to Bolivia after the wedding, but I think it would be really hard emotionally and financially to go back and then leave again.  

My plan for what’s next is to live at home while I take classes for an ESL/bilingual endorsement at National Louis University and work part-time.  I know 1^st grade is not my favorite, and while I’ve thought about upper elementary, I think what I’d really love is to be an ESL teacher, still allowing me to teach (which I really love) but not having to deal with so many kids at once and having all the responsibilities that come with being a classroom teacher.  I’ll take the paperwork and testing of kids over the amount of planning and discipline that comes with my current job.  As an introvert, it’s truly exhausting.

So that’s me.  That’s my life.  I’m enjoying life now and am also excited for what’s to come.  It surely will be a bittersweet goodbye when all of this is over.  Bolivia will always be home in a way.

I appreciate prayer!  Big time!  Right now I’m struggling some with the fear that I’m making the wrong decision and I need to stay in Bolivia.  I felt at peace when I decided to leave, and I need to keep remembering that, but change and big events freak me out and make me so emotional.  I will have to grieve the loss of it, just like I did leaving Taylor, and I don’t want to go through that.  Please pray for me in these upcoming months of transition.  

Love from Bolivia,

Jules

Bolivia...where nothing is predictable.

Over Thanksgiving break, 8 other teachers and I went on a crazy, awesome, dream-like, then nightmare-esque trip to Rurrenebaque and back.  (Rurrenebaque is in the jungle part of Bolivia, and we rode a boat on the Amazon River for most of the time we were there.)

After a flight cancellation the day we were supposed to leave, and then a slight scare the next day when someone working for the airline told us we couldn’t fly, we did end up flying that day…(that guy must’ve had his facts wrong.) So we set off on a tiny 16 passenger plane.

I had stupidly had coffee that morning, thinking it wouldn’t hurt my stomach when it always does…and then I decided to read during the 45 minute plane ride. But because the plane was so tiny, it was very bumpy. Then it felt like we were going to crash as we landed—scaring us even more since we knew it was a dirt runway. So between the coffee, reading on a very bumpy plane, and the scary turbulent landing, I thought I was going to throw up. I literally had my barf bag in hand. Thankfully I didn’t get sick and felt better once I was walking around on land a bit!

The 9 of us split into 2 groups for our tour. I was a part of the group of 5, so the 5 of us along with 3 guys—2 from Switzerland and 1 from Israel—left in a Land Rover to get to the Amazon River. We then took a boat ride to the place we were staying—I think the name of the area we were in was Santa Rosa. The boat ride was wonderful, despite a bit of rain. Our guide went pretty slowly and stopped once in awhile so we could take pictures.

We saw TONS of alligators—probably over 200 during the trip—and lots of turtles, capybaras, squirrel monkeys, herons, eagles, a toucan, a howler monkey, and pink dolphins!!

It was crazy how close all of these animals were to us and it was so strange seeing them outside of a zoo! It didn’t feel real! I loved whenever we went in the boat—the open air and warmth and humidity and breeze and cool sights everywhere you looked was both peaceful and exciting to me. 

I don’t want to write pages and pages, so I’ll try to keep it to the highlights:

-We went on a night boat ride to see the alligator’s eyes light up! When you shine a flashlight on them, their eyes glow!

-The 3 guys, Paola, and I were brave enough to jump in the Amazon River and swim alongside some pink dolphins! They didn’t come close enough for us to touch them, but it was still pretty cool!

-We went piranha fishing and I caught a piranha! The Israeli guy, our guide, and I were the only ones to catch them. But our guide got a bunch so we had piranha for dinner! I ate 2! Yum! I love fish!

-We went on a hunt to find anacondas in the swamp with tall boots. I didn’t see any, but part of the group that chose to do some more hunting around for them saw one but it quickly disappeared. Then we started to walk back and Laura and I weren’t feeling that great. We stopped to rest for a minute, and then lost our group!! We waited around at a 4-way intersection not sure which way they went for about 15 minutes until another group’s guide came and found us. It was a little nerve-wracking being lost in the jungle!!

-We had mosquito nets around our beds in our cabins, which I was happy about, but I still somehow managed to come back with approximately 50 bug bites. Blegh.

-We played some Dutch Blitz in our free time…fun game but I don’t feel like I’m getting any better….I need to stop playing with Kelly.  :P

And now, for the craziest story which didn’t actually happen while we were in Santa Rosa on the tour…

We got back to Rurrenebaque for a Sunday night flight, only to find out the flight was cancelled due to rain the previous night…and as I mentioned before, the runway is made of dirt…so, you’re basically stuck there if there’s any rain probably 12 hours previous to departure…which is stupid. (They had a cement runway and apparently that’s in repair…and has been for almost a year….Bolivia for you.)

And they predicted rain all week.

So, there was no guarantee we’d get back all week…9 teachers out of I think 24? That’s not so good for our school…. :P

So we decided to take the treacherous journey back by bus…..20 hours…..which actually turned into way more than 20 hours and lots and lots of tears and suffering and roughing it and thinking we were going to die going over cliffs.

We were riding back mostly in the dark on the most dangerous road in the world. I was in the very back, window seat, and watching us near the edge of cliffs, and praying for my life. Seriously, I along with many of the other girls who could see what was going on were praying—silently and out loud—for our safety and for our lives to be spared. Joy and I were also singing worship songs. This happened the most when we were on the edge of cliffs, in the dark, and it was raining. Oh. My. Word. Not to mention this bus driver guy was INSANE. He was going fast and never stopping for passengers to go to the bathroom. And there was no bathroom on the bus!!!

Since there were 5 of the 9 of us in the very back and it was dark, 3 of the girls literally peed out the window of the bus as it was moving. I’m not even kidding you!!

We stopped once to drop off passengers/take in more and we thought he’d stop for long enough to use the bathroom, but no. Joy and I went to go find a bathroom when I heard the bus LEAVING us and we ran after it shouting and it finally stopped to let us back on.

OH, let me back up! When we were first leaving on the bus, 3 GIRLS THAT WERE WITH US GOT LEFT BEHIND. The bus driver would not wait for them. They hadn’t made it to the bus yet because the bus company guy was taking us on a go-cart in groups of 3 to the bus. SO THE 3 GIRLS HOPPED ON MOTORCYCLES (which turned out to be taxi drivers, but they weren't sure) TO CATCH UP WITH THE BUS. And then literally jumped on as fast as they could. IT WAS CRAZY.

So, we finally found out why this crazy driver was not stopping for anyone or for bathroom breaks and driving dangerously fast on the Death Road (it’s literally called that). HE WAS TRYING TO BEAT CONSTRUCTION ON THIS ROAD THAT STARTED AT 6 AM. Yeah, and that didn’t happen. We got there around 6:30 or 7 I think (I was sleeping at that point after being up all night scared). And we were stranded for about 9-10 hours while we waited for construction to be done!! Thankfully there was a river nearby where we stopped so we could cool off there and find some shade, because it was a blazing hot sunny day and we were stranded with nowhere to go!

We did a lot of complaining and reading and talking about how we thought were going to die, and crying, and peeing outside, and eating sketchy food at the only restaurant in town.

It was pretty miserable.

So, at 4 PM when construction was over, we left this very small town and river and the bus got us back to La Paz around 9 PM Monday night. And then the 9 of us, all exhausted, had to teach the next morning. It was CRAZY.

I hope that you’re able to take in the amount of dream-like and nightmare-esque qualities of this story. It seriously did seem like a good dream followed by a nightmare. And the whole thing seems so bizarre.

At least I will have some pretty awesome stories for my kids and grandkids someday! :P

 

Decisions.

Being a Christian is about self-denial right?  God calling you to something even when you don’t necessarily want to do it….right?  Our desires and thoughts are misleading…and we have to endure hardship for the sake of Christ.  This is the stuff I’ve heard all my life.  And this is the stuff that makes my natural indecisive personality go crazy because my mind and my soul feel like they’re in a wrestling match.  I start to feel like even though I desire something, I can’t always pursue that because maybe that’s not what God’s calling me to do.  And in fact, that He must be calling me to choose the option that is harder, more painful, and something more unnatural so I have to depend more on Him….right?

My friend says it sounds like I have a martyr complex.  I feel compelled to do the harder thing, to stick with something or choose something that looks the most “noble” or “Christiany” or whatever, in order to feel like I am sacrificing myself completely for Christ.  I think she’s right.  This is paired with the fact that I don’t like change all that much, or leaving people, so I have the tendency to stick with something for a long time.

This whole mindset , in my opinion, is rather warped.  If I don’t enjoy what I do, I won’t have much passion, much energy, much of anything to give God or to give others.  "Ministry" becomes drudgery.  God gave us the Holy Spirit—our motivator and the giver of desires of our heart.  We need to move, change, and go to where we desire to be and do what we desire to do.  We have free will.  And God gave us gifts that could be used better in a different place or in a different way than where we are at or in what we are doing.  We can do ministry anywhere. 

Once we go where the Holy Spirit is motivating us to go—or in other words, where our heart desires—then, only then, are we called and are often forced to deny ourselves and go through hardships for the sake of Christ.  In other words, commit to something you’re passionate about but then don’t expect it to be easy.

A lot of what I just said I realized after reading this article: http://www.nehemiahministries.com/mydesires.htm

I found it when I needed it most.

As you can maybe glean from reading this far in, I have officially decided to leave Highlands International School after this school year.  Even at the beginning of this year, I had it in my mind I would stay for another year.  But this is mostly because of the reasons I already stated above.  I was thinking it made sense, that I needed to stay for the sake of the school and the people, for God, to become a better teacher.  And as it turns out, my eyes have been opened to the fact that my gifts, talents, and passions don't exactly lie here.  I’m realizing this is not a place I can really thrive in.  I’m feeling my heart being pulled in a different direction.  It’s a direction I didn’t quite expect, but now makes a lot of sense for me.  I am feeling excited about what’s next, ready for a change, and confident God is going to reveal different gifts and place me in work environments that are a better fit for me.  I am fairly confident I was not meant to teach 1^st grade any longer than 2 years.  But through this experience, God taught me and is continuing to teach me about who I am, what my strengths and weaknesses are, and how to extend grace to myself and others.

Though I’m feeling ready to move away from Highlands, at the same time, I’m not feeling ready to leave Bolivia.  I love this place and want to experience more of it while I’m here.  I have a desire to become fluent in Spanish, to subject myself to some of the poverty of Bolivia rather than be among the rich Bolivians, to work among Bolivian men, women, and children, and to experience a new city.  I also have a desire to work in education in another means than within the standard American classroom.  Therefore, I have decided to stay in Bolivia through next November.  I am looking into doing a program called Sustainable Bolivia in Cochabamba, Bolivia.  Through this program, I can take individualized one-on-one Spanish classes every day and volunteer with one of their partner organizations doing something in the education field.  I will get to work among almost solely Bolivians and use my Spanish all day, which I’ve never been able to do while working at Highlands.  My plan is to work in Cochabamba from mid-June to mid-November and return permanently (I think!) to the states just in time for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Through my classroom experience abroad so far, I’ve also realized my passion to continue working with students whose primary language is not English.  When I return from Bolivia, I plan on living at home with my parents for some time and getting ESL (or ELL) certified and hopefully finding a part-time job waitressing or nannying.  At this time too, I’ll be looking into various places (probably larger cities) in the U.S. in which there is a greater Hispanic population in need of ESL/Bilingual jobs for the 2014-2015 school year. 

This is my plan.  I’m excited for it.  It seems reasonable but also exciting to me, since none of this is what I originally intended doing out of college. 

Of course, God could change these plans.  Right now I don’t want Him to.  But He knows better than I do.  As for right now, I’m thankful for the courage I gained to take this first step—to turn in my intent to leave form.  As sad as it will be to leave at the end of this year, I am certain I made the decision that is best for me.  And I’m thanking God for the mixed peace/excitement/hope for what’s next that’s stirring in me right now.

Please continue to pray for my current state and the rest of my year at Highlands.  My class is hard, my joy feels totally depleted some days, and I feel like I’m in a constant state of exhaustion apart from weekends.  My ministry is still here until June and I need prayer for strength, joy, patience, and love. 

Can’t wait to see some of you over Christmas!  

Dios te bendiga (God bless you),

Julie

What's Next?

Decisions.

I don’t do well with them.

I am a naturally indecisive person. It comes up in the results of any kind of personality test I take it seems. And I know it well.

I fear making the “wrong” decision. I fear the unknown. I fear leaving people I’ve gotten close to. I fear the emotions and hard work of change. And then, too, I fear staying stagnant. I fear I will never figure out what kind of a life/career I really desire and that best fits my gifts and abilities. I fear taking the “safe” or “natural” route and never finding what makes me really come alive.

I have so many dreams, visions, thoughts, and desires floating around in my brain and I don’t know how to make sense of any of it at this point. I don’t know what’s next…at all. Whatsoever. Whether that means staying in Bolivia and sticking with 1^st grade, staying in Bolivia and switching to 5^th grade, staying in Bolivia and finding a different avenue of ministry, or leaving. I don’t know whether that means being a teacher or waitressing for awhile or tutoring or pursuing seminary/grad school or becoming an astronaut or joining the circus.

Though up until a couple weeks ago, my mind was set on staying longer here in Bolivia, lately I’ve become so overwhelmed, beaten down, worn out, and wishing in some ways for the year to end already. And it was almost as if I finally gave myself permission a couple weeks ago to think about something other than staying in Bolivia, and I got really excited about the endless possibilities out there awaiting me.

But then my mind draws me back to my love for the beauty of Bolivia, the culture, and the people; my desire to further develop relationships; my desire to learn more Spanish and gain some more teaching experience, possibly in a different grade before returning to the hard economy and crazy education system in the U.S.

There’s currently a wrestling match between my head and my heart. 

I am feeling the environmental friction, a phrase coined by Matt Conner, the former pastor of my church, The Mercy House in Anderson, Indiana. This is a really good read and I feel is exactly what I’m dealing with right now: http://www.rabbitroom.com/2012/08/environmental-friction/

 

Do I stay and remain faithful for awhile longer to this community, this school? Or do I make the inevitable transition (b/c of family, friends, finances, eventual husband & family of my own) back to the states sooner because my heart seems to be calling me at this point to leave and pursue other options?

I have no answers at this point. And I know I still have a few months before I need to decide if I’m staying at Highlands or not…but that time is fast approaching. And I am at a place where I feel like the answer isn’t obvious and won’t be obvious come November. It’s a hard decision. A decision with lots of implications. A decision that will be met with some heavy emotions no matter what I decide.

I remember my dad saying something to me in my decision to go to Bolivia or not about the fact that there is not a “right” or “wrong” decision…basically that God will bless whatever I decide to do. My pastor, Matt, said something to the same extent, too, in his article—“Doubts loom about career decisions that I have made, and they will continue, as they always do, with each choice that I face.  Life is not so neatly categorized in terms of right or wrong, at least in my experience.”

I firmly believe that too.  God gave us free will.  We’re free to choose what we do with our lives, and all we have to do is commit our actions to Him and our plans will succeed. (Proverbs 16:3)

I take that verse as meaning I should seek to please/glorify/serve God in the best way possible, instead of committing my actions to fulfilling my own comforts (and honestly there’s comfort in staying in Bolivia and in leaving, just in different ways…which makes that a bit harder to discern.)

So what does that mean? What does that look like? Does that mean staying in this ministry or finding a different avenue/different group of people/different place to minister in?

Again, it is not a matter of “right” or “wrong” but more of, “How can I best use my gifts and abilities to minister?” And it is a matter of motivation.  “Are my motivations, which lead to action, selfless or selfish?”

A verse that has hit me lately is Matthew 7:7—“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.”

God asks us to persistently ask him for what we need from Him.  I am bad at that.  I am not persistent in prayer.  I ask God sporadically for what I need/want.  I think, “If he hears us the first time, my prayers are going to be way too repetitive.”  Ha. But I was thinking more about that verse…and if we are desperate for something from a friend or from our family—whether it be music or a book we really want, or communication or advice, we ask/seek it all the time.  We are persistent in getting what we want/need from that person.  So, if we aren’t persistent in our prayers for what we need, there is less desperation. We think this world will bring whatever we need to us. And it’s almost like saying “Well, I don’t really need this from you, God,” or “I don’t really believe you’re going to give this to me so I don’t need to keep praying.” And, sadly, I feel like that’s my attitude a lot of times.

So I’m committing myself to persistent prayer—prayer in desperation over this upcoming decision, believing fully that if I am persistent in asking for clarity and wisdom from God, that I will receive clarity and wisdom. And I ask, if you would, to be committed to prayer for me too.

Thanks, always, for reading.

Dios te bendiga (God bless you),

Julie