What's Next?

Decisions.

I don’t do well with them.

I am a naturally indecisive person. It comes up in the results of any kind of personality test I take it seems. And I know it well.

I fear making the “wrong” decision. I fear the unknown. I fear leaving people I’ve gotten close to. I fear the emotions and hard work of change. And then, too, I fear staying stagnant. I fear I will never figure out what kind of a life/career I really desire and that best fits my gifts and abilities. I fear taking the “safe” or “natural” route and never finding what makes me really come alive.

I have so many dreams, visions, thoughts, and desires floating around in my brain and I don’t know how to make sense of any of it at this point. I don’t know what’s next…at all. Whatsoever. Whether that means staying in Bolivia and sticking with 1^st grade, staying in Bolivia and switching to 5^th grade, staying in Bolivia and finding a different avenue of ministry, or leaving. I don’t know whether that means being a teacher or waitressing for awhile or tutoring or pursuing seminary/grad school or becoming an astronaut or joining the circus.

Though up until a couple weeks ago, my mind was set on staying longer here in Bolivia, lately I’ve become so overwhelmed, beaten down, worn out, and wishing in some ways for the year to end already. And it was almost as if I finally gave myself permission a couple weeks ago to think about something other than staying in Bolivia, and I got really excited about the endless possibilities out there awaiting me.

But then my mind draws me back to my love for the beauty of Bolivia, the culture, and the people; my desire to further develop relationships; my desire to learn more Spanish and gain some more teaching experience, possibly in a different grade before returning to the hard economy and crazy education system in the U.S.

There’s currently a wrestling match between my head and my heart. 

I am feeling the environmental friction, a phrase coined by Matt Conner, the former pastor of my church, The Mercy House in Anderson, Indiana. This is a really good read and I feel is exactly what I’m dealing with right now: http://www.rabbitroom.com/2012/08/environmental-friction/

 

Do I stay and remain faithful for awhile longer to this community, this school? Or do I make the inevitable transition (b/c of family, friends, finances, eventual husband & family of my own) back to the states sooner because my heart seems to be calling me at this point to leave and pursue other options?

I have no answers at this point. And I know I still have a few months before I need to decide if I’m staying at Highlands or not…but that time is fast approaching. And I am at a place where I feel like the answer isn’t obvious and won’t be obvious come November. It’s a hard decision. A decision with lots of implications. A decision that will be met with some heavy emotions no matter what I decide.

I remember my dad saying something to me in my decision to go to Bolivia or not about the fact that there is not a “right” or “wrong” decision…basically that God will bless whatever I decide to do. My pastor, Matt, said something to the same extent, too, in his article—“Doubts loom about career decisions that I have made, and they will continue, as they always do, with each choice that I face.  Life is not so neatly categorized in terms of right or wrong, at least in my experience.”

I firmly believe that too.  God gave us free will.  We’re free to choose what we do with our lives, and all we have to do is commit our actions to Him and our plans will succeed. (Proverbs 16:3)

I take that verse as meaning I should seek to please/glorify/serve God in the best way possible, instead of committing my actions to fulfilling my own comforts (and honestly there’s comfort in staying in Bolivia and in leaving, just in different ways…which makes that a bit harder to discern.)

So what does that mean? What does that look like? Does that mean staying in this ministry or finding a different avenue/different group of people/different place to minister in?

Again, it is not a matter of “right” or “wrong” but more of, “How can I best use my gifts and abilities to minister?” And it is a matter of motivation.  “Are my motivations, which lead to action, selfless or selfish?”

A verse that has hit me lately is Matthew 7:7—“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.”

God asks us to persistently ask him for what we need from Him.  I am bad at that.  I am not persistent in prayer.  I ask God sporadically for what I need/want.  I think, “If he hears us the first time, my prayers are going to be way too repetitive.”  Ha. But I was thinking more about that verse…and if we are desperate for something from a friend or from our family—whether it be music or a book we really want, or communication or advice, we ask/seek it all the time.  We are persistent in getting what we want/need from that person.  So, if we aren’t persistent in our prayers for what we need, there is less desperation. We think this world will bring whatever we need to us. And it’s almost like saying “Well, I don’t really need this from you, God,” or “I don’t really believe you’re going to give this to me so I don’t need to keep praying.” And, sadly, I feel like that’s my attitude a lot of times.

So I’m committing myself to persistent prayer—prayer in desperation over this upcoming decision, believing fully that if I am persistent in asking for clarity and wisdom from God, that I will receive clarity and wisdom. And I ask, if you would, to be committed to prayer for me too.

Thanks, always, for reading.

Dios te bendiga (God bless you),

Julie