Decisions.

Being a Christian is about self-denial right?  God calling you to something even when you don’t necessarily want to do it….right?  Our desires and thoughts are misleading…and we have to endure hardship for the sake of Christ.  This is the stuff I’ve heard all my life.  And this is the stuff that makes my natural indecisive personality go crazy because my mind and my soul feel like they’re in a wrestling match.  I start to feel like even though I desire something, I can’t always pursue that because maybe that’s not what God’s calling me to do.  And in fact, that He must be calling me to choose the option that is harder, more painful, and something more unnatural so I have to depend more on Him….right?

My friend says it sounds like I have a martyr complex.  I feel compelled to do the harder thing, to stick with something or choose something that looks the most “noble” or “Christiany” or whatever, in order to feel like I am sacrificing myself completely for Christ.  I think she’s right.  This is paired with the fact that I don’t like change all that much, or leaving people, so I have the tendency to stick with something for a long time.

This whole mindset , in my opinion, is rather warped.  If I don’t enjoy what I do, I won’t have much passion, much energy, much of anything to give God or to give others.  "Ministry" becomes drudgery.  God gave us the Holy Spirit—our motivator and the giver of desires of our heart.  We need to move, change, and go to where we desire to be and do what we desire to do.  We have free will.  And God gave us gifts that could be used better in a different place or in a different way than where we are at or in what we are doing.  We can do ministry anywhere. 

Once we go where the Holy Spirit is motivating us to go—or in other words, where our heart desires—then, only then, are we called and are often forced to deny ourselves and go through hardships for the sake of Christ.  In other words, commit to something you’re passionate about but then don’t expect it to be easy.

A lot of what I just said I realized after reading this article: http://www.nehemiahministries.com/mydesires.htm

I found it when I needed it most.

As you can maybe glean from reading this far in, I have officially decided to leave Highlands International School after this school year.  Even at the beginning of this year, I had it in my mind I would stay for another year.  But this is mostly because of the reasons I already stated above.  I was thinking it made sense, that I needed to stay for the sake of the school and the people, for God, to become a better teacher.  And as it turns out, my eyes have been opened to the fact that my gifts, talents, and passions don't exactly lie here.  I’m realizing this is not a place I can really thrive in.  I’m feeling my heart being pulled in a different direction.  It’s a direction I didn’t quite expect, but now makes a lot of sense for me.  I am feeling excited about what’s next, ready for a change, and confident God is going to reveal different gifts and place me in work environments that are a better fit for me.  I am fairly confident I was not meant to teach 1^st grade any longer than 2 years.  But through this experience, God taught me and is continuing to teach me about who I am, what my strengths and weaknesses are, and how to extend grace to myself and others.

Though I’m feeling ready to move away from Highlands, at the same time, I’m not feeling ready to leave Bolivia.  I love this place and want to experience more of it while I’m here.  I have a desire to become fluent in Spanish, to subject myself to some of the poverty of Bolivia rather than be among the rich Bolivians, to work among Bolivian men, women, and children, and to experience a new city.  I also have a desire to work in education in another means than within the standard American classroom.  Therefore, I have decided to stay in Bolivia through next November.  I am looking into doing a program called Sustainable Bolivia in Cochabamba, Bolivia.  Through this program, I can take individualized one-on-one Spanish classes every day and volunteer with one of their partner organizations doing something in the education field.  I will get to work among almost solely Bolivians and use my Spanish all day, which I’ve never been able to do while working at Highlands.  My plan is to work in Cochabamba from mid-June to mid-November and return permanently (I think!) to the states just in time for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Through my classroom experience abroad so far, I’ve also realized my passion to continue working with students whose primary language is not English.  When I return from Bolivia, I plan on living at home with my parents for some time and getting ESL (or ELL) certified and hopefully finding a part-time job waitressing or nannying.  At this time too, I’ll be looking into various places (probably larger cities) in the U.S. in which there is a greater Hispanic population in need of ESL/Bilingual jobs for the 2014-2015 school year. 

This is my plan.  I’m excited for it.  It seems reasonable but also exciting to me, since none of this is what I originally intended doing out of college. 

Of course, God could change these plans.  Right now I don’t want Him to.  But He knows better than I do.  As for right now, I’m thankful for the courage I gained to take this first step—to turn in my intent to leave form.  As sad as it will be to leave at the end of this year, I am certain I made the decision that is best for me.  And I’m thanking God for the mixed peace/excitement/hope for what’s next that’s stirring in me right now.

Please continue to pray for my current state and the rest of my year at Highlands.  My class is hard, my joy feels totally depleted some days, and I feel like I’m in a constant state of exhaustion apart from weekends.  My ministry is still here until June and I need prayer for strength, joy, patience, and love. 

Can’t wait to see some of you over Christmas!  

Dios te bendiga (God bless you),

Julie