Bolivia...where nothing is predictable.

Over Thanksgiving break, 8 other teachers and I went on a crazy, awesome, dream-like, then nightmare-esque trip to Rurrenebaque and back.  (Rurrenebaque is in the jungle part of Bolivia, and we rode a boat on the Amazon River for most of the time we were there.)

After a flight cancellation the day we were supposed to leave, and then a slight scare the next day when someone working for the airline told us we couldn’t fly, we did end up flying that day…(that guy must’ve had his facts wrong.) So we set off on a tiny 16 passenger plane.

I had stupidly had coffee that morning, thinking it wouldn’t hurt my stomach when it always does…and then I decided to read during the 45 minute plane ride. But because the plane was so tiny, it was very bumpy. Then it felt like we were going to crash as we landed—scaring us even more since we knew it was a dirt runway. So between the coffee, reading on a very bumpy plane, and the scary turbulent landing, I thought I was going to throw up. I literally had my barf bag in hand. Thankfully I didn’t get sick and felt better once I was walking around on land a bit!

The 9 of us split into 2 groups for our tour. I was a part of the group of 5, so the 5 of us along with 3 guys—2 from Switzerland and 1 from Israel—left in a Land Rover to get to the Amazon River. We then took a boat ride to the place we were staying—I think the name of the area we were in was Santa Rosa. The boat ride was wonderful, despite a bit of rain. Our guide went pretty slowly and stopped once in awhile so we could take pictures.

We saw TONS of alligators—probably over 200 during the trip—and lots of turtles, capybaras, squirrel monkeys, herons, eagles, a toucan, a howler monkey, and pink dolphins!!

It was crazy how close all of these animals were to us and it was so strange seeing them outside of a zoo! It didn’t feel real! I loved whenever we went in the boat—the open air and warmth and humidity and breeze and cool sights everywhere you looked was both peaceful and exciting to me. 

I don’t want to write pages and pages, so I’ll try to keep it to the highlights:

-We went on a night boat ride to see the alligator’s eyes light up! When you shine a flashlight on them, their eyes glow!

-The 3 guys, Paola, and I were brave enough to jump in the Amazon River and swim alongside some pink dolphins! They didn’t come close enough for us to touch them, but it was still pretty cool!

-We went piranha fishing and I caught a piranha! The Israeli guy, our guide, and I were the only ones to catch them. But our guide got a bunch so we had piranha for dinner! I ate 2! Yum! I love fish!

-We went on a hunt to find anacondas in the swamp with tall boots. I didn’t see any, but part of the group that chose to do some more hunting around for them saw one but it quickly disappeared. Then we started to walk back and Laura and I weren’t feeling that great. We stopped to rest for a minute, and then lost our group!! We waited around at a 4-way intersection not sure which way they went for about 15 minutes until another group’s guide came and found us. It was a little nerve-wracking being lost in the jungle!!

-We had mosquito nets around our beds in our cabins, which I was happy about, but I still somehow managed to come back with approximately 50 bug bites. Blegh.

-We played some Dutch Blitz in our free time…fun game but I don’t feel like I’m getting any better….I need to stop playing with Kelly.  :P

And now, for the craziest story which didn’t actually happen while we were in Santa Rosa on the tour…

We got back to Rurrenebaque for a Sunday night flight, only to find out the flight was cancelled due to rain the previous night…and as I mentioned before, the runway is made of dirt…so, you’re basically stuck there if there’s any rain probably 12 hours previous to departure…which is stupid. (They had a cement runway and apparently that’s in repair…and has been for almost a year….Bolivia for you.)

And they predicted rain all week.

So, there was no guarantee we’d get back all week…9 teachers out of I think 24? That’s not so good for our school…. :P

So we decided to take the treacherous journey back by bus…..20 hours…..which actually turned into way more than 20 hours and lots and lots of tears and suffering and roughing it and thinking we were going to die going over cliffs.

We were riding back mostly in the dark on the most dangerous road in the world. I was in the very back, window seat, and watching us near the edge of cliffs, and praying for my life. Seriously, I along with many of the other girls who could see what was going on were praying—silently and out loud—for our safety and for our lives to be spared. Joy and I were also singing worship songs. This happened the most when we were on the edge of cliffs, in the dark, and it was raining. Oh. My. Word. Not to mention this bus driver guy was INSANE. He was going fast and never stopping for passengers to go to the bathroom. And there was no bathroom on the bus!!!

Since there were 5 of the 9 of us in the very back and it was dark, 3 of the girls literally peed out the window of the bus as it was moving. I’m not even kidding you!!

We stopped once to drop off passengers/take in more and we thought he’d stop for long enough to use the bathroom, but no. Joy and I went to go find a bathroom when I heard the bus LEAVING us and we ran after it shouting and it finally stopped to let us back on.

OH, let me back up! When we were first leaving on the bus, 3 GIRLS THAT WERE WITH US GOT LEFT BEHIND. The bus driver would not wait for them. They hadn’t made it to the bus yet because the bus company guy was taking us on a go-cart in groups of 3 to the bus. SO THE 3 GIRLS HOPPED ON MOTORCYCLES (which turned out to be taxi drivers, but they weren't sure) TO CATCH UP WITH THE BUS. And then literally jumped on as fast as they could. IT WAS CRAZY.

So, we finally found out why this crazy driver was not stopping for anyone or for bathroom breaks and driving dangerously fast on the Death Road (it’s literally called that). HE WAS TRYING TO BEAT CONSTRUCTION ON THIS ROAD THAT STARTED AT 6 AM. Yeah, and that didn’t happen. We got there around 6:30 or 7 I think (I was sleeping at that point after being up all night scared). And we were stranded for about 9-10 hours while we waited for construction to be done!! Thankfully there was a river nearby where we stopped so we could cool off there and find some shade, because it was a blazing hot sunny day and we were stranded with nowhere to go!

We did a lot of complaining and reading and talking about how we thought were going to die, and crying, and peeing outside, and eating sketchy food at the only restaurant in town.

It was pretty miserable.

So, at 4 PM when construction was over, we left this very small town and river and the bus got us back to La Paz around 9 PM Monday night. And then the 9 of us, all exhausted, had to teach the next morning. It was CRAZY.

I hope that you’re able to take in the amount of dream-like and nightmare-esque qualities of this story. It seriously did seem like a good dream followed by a nightmare. And the whole thing seems so bizarre.

At least I will have some pretty awesome stories for my kids and grandkids someday! :P

 

Decisions.

Being a Christian is about self-denial right?  God calling you to something even when you don’t necessarily want to do it….right?  Our desires and thoughts are misleading…and we have to endure hardship for the sake of Christ.  This is the stuff I’ve heard all my life.  And this is the stuff that makes my natural indecisive personality go crazy because my mind and my soul feel like they’re in a wrestling match.  I start to feel like even though I desire something, I can’t always pursue that because maybe that’s not what God’s calling me to do.  And in fact, that He must be calling me to choose the option that is harder, more painful, and something more unnatural so I have to depend more on Him….right?

My friend says it sounds like I have a martyr complex.  I feel compelled to do the harder thing, to stick with something or choose something that looks the most “noble” or “Christiany” or whatever, in order to feel like I am sacrificing myself completely for Christ.  I think she’s right.  This is paired with the fact that I don’t like change all that much, or leaving people, so I have the tendency to stick with something for a long time.

This whole mindset , in my opinion, is rather warped.  If I don’t enjoy what I do, I won’t have much passion, much energy, much of anything to give God or to give others.  "Ministry" becomes drudgery.  God gave us the Holy Spirit—our motivator and the giver of desires of our heart.  We need to move, change, and go to where we desire to be and do what we desire to do.  We have free will.  And God gave us gifts that could be used better in a different place or in a different way than where we are at or in what we are doing.  We can do ministry anywhere. 

Once we go where the Holy Spirit is motivating us to go—or in other words, where our heart desires—then, only then, are we called and are often forced to deny ourselves and go through hardships for the sake of Christ.  In other words, commit to something you’re passionate about but then don’t expect it to be easy.

A lot of what I just said I realized after reading this article: http://www.nehemiahministries.com/mydesires.htm

I found it when I needed it most.

As you can maybe glean from reading this far in, I have officially decided to leave Highlands International School after this school year.  Even at the beginning of this year, I had it in my mind I would stay for another year.  But this is mostly because of the reasons I already stated above.  I was thinking it made sense, that I needed to stay for the sake of the school and the people, for God, to become a better teacher.  And as it turns out, my eyes have been opened to the fact that my gifts, talents, and passions don't exactly lie here.  I’m realizing this is not a place I can really thrive in.  I’m feeling my heart being pulled in a different direction.  It’s a direction I didn’t quite expect, but now makes a lot of sense for me.  I am feeling excited about what’s next, ready for a change, and confident God is going to reveal different gifts and place me in work environments that are a better fit for me.  I am fairly confident I was not meant to teach 1^st grade any longer than 2 years.  But through this experience, God taught me and is continuing to teach me about who I am, what my strengths and weaknesses are, and how to extend grace to myself and others.

Though I’m feeling ready to move away from Highlands, at the same time, I’m not feeling ready to leave Bolivia.  I love this place and want to experience more of it while I’m here.  I have a desire to become fluent in Spanish, to subject myself to some of the poverty of Bolivia rather than be among the rich Bolivians, to work among Bolivian men, women, and children, and to experience a new city.  I also have a desire to work in education in another means than within the standard American classroom.  Therefore, I have decided to stay in Bolivia through next November.  I am looking into doing a program called Sustainable Bolivia in Cochabamba, Bolivia.  Through this program, I can take individualized one-on-one Spanish classes every day and volunteer with one of their partner organizations doing something in the education field.  I will get to work among almost solely Bolivians and use my Spanish all day, which I’ve never been able to do while working at Highlands.  My plan is to work in Cochabamba from mid-June to mid-November and return permanently (I think!) to the states just in time for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Through my classroom experience abroad so far, I’ve also realized my passion to continue working with students whose primary language is not English.  When I return from Bolivia, I plan on living at home with my parents for some time and getting ESL (or ELL) certified and hopefully finding a part-time job waitressing or nannying.  At this time too, I’ll be looking into various places (probably larger cities) in the U.S. in which there is a greater Hispanic population in need of ESL/Bilingual jobs for the 2014-2015 school year. 

This is my plan.  I’m excited for it.  It seems reasonable but also exciting to me, since none of this is what I originally intended doing out of college. 

Of course, God could change these plans.  Right now I don’t want Him to.  But He knows better than I do.  As for right now, I’m thankful for the courage I gained to take this first step—to turn in my intent to leave form.  As sad as it will be to leave at the end of this year, I am certain I made the decision that is best for me.  And I’m thanking God for the mixed peace/excitement/hope for what’s next that’s stirring in me right now.

Please continue to pray for my current state and the rest of my year at Highlands.  My class is hard, my joy feels totally depleted some days, and I feel like I’m in a constant state of exhaustion apart from weekends.  My ministry is still here until June and I need prayer for strength, joy, patience, and love. 

Can’t wait to see some of you over Christmas!  

Dios te bendiga (God bless you),

Julie

What's Next?

Decisions.

I don’t do well with them.

I am a naturally indecisive person. It comes up in the results of any kind of personality test I take it seems. And I know it well.

I fear making the “wrong” decision. I fear the unknown. I fear leaving people I’ve gotten close to. I fear the emotions and hard work of change. And then, too, I fear staying stagnant. I fear I will never figure out what kind of a life/career I really desire and that best fits my gifts and abilities. I fear taking the “safe” or “natural” route and never finding what makes me really come alive.

I have so many dreams, visions, thoughts, and desires floating around in my brain and I don’t know how to make sense of any of it at this point. I don’t know what’s next…at all. Whatsoever. Whether that means staying in Bolivia and sticking with 1^st grade, staying in Bolivia and switching to 5^th grade, staying in Bolivia and finding a different avenue of ministry, or leaving. I don’t know whether that means being a teacher or waitressing for awhile or tutoring or pursuing seminary/grad school or becoming an astronaut or joining the circus.

Though up until a couple weeks ago, my mind was set on staying longer here in Bolivia, lately I’ve become so overwhelmed, beaten down, worn out, and wishing in some ways for the year to end already. And it was almost as if I finally gave myself permission a couple weeks ago to think about something other than staying in Bolivia, and I got really excited about the endless possibilities out there awaiting me.

But then my mind draws me back to my love for the beauty of Bolivia, the culture, and the people; my desire to further develop relationships; my desire to learn more Spanish and gain some more teaching experience, possibly in a different grade before returning to the hard economy and crazy education system in the U.S.

There’s currently a wrestling match between my head and my heart. 

I am feeling the environmental friction, a phrase coined by Matt Conner, the former pastor of my church, The Mercy House in Anderson, Indiana. This is a really good read and I feel is exactly what I’m dealing with right now: http://www.rabbitroom.com/2012/08/environmental-friction/

 

Do I stay and remain faithful for awhile longer to this community, this school? Or do I make the inevitable transition (b/c of family, friends, finances, eventual husband & family of my own) back to the states sooner because my heart seems to be calling me at this point to leave and pursue other options?

I have no answers at this point. And I know I still have a few months before I need to decide if I’m staying at Highlands or not…but that time is fast approaching. And I am at a place where I feel like the answer isn’t obvious and won’t be obvious come November. It’s a hard decision. A decision with lots of implications. A decision that will be met with some heavy emotions no matter what I decide.

I remember my dad saying something to me in my decision to go to Bolivia or not about the fact that there is not a “right” or “wrong” decision…basically that God will bless whatever I decide to do. My pastor, Matt, said something to the same extent, too, in his article—“Doubts loom about career decisions that I have made, and they will continue, as they always do, with each choice that I face.  Life is not so neatly categorized in terms of right or wrong, at least in my experience.”

I firmly believe that too.  God gave us free will.  We’re free to choose what we do with our lives, and all we have to do is commit our actions to Him and our plans will succeed. (Proverbs 16:3)

I take that verse as meaning I should seek to please/glorify/serve God in the best way possible, instead of committing my actions to fulfilling my own comforts (and honestly there’s comfort in staying in Bolivia and in leaving, just in different ways…which makes that a bit harder to discern.)

So what does that mean? What does that look like? Does that mean staying in this ministry or finding a different avenue/different group of people/different place to minister in?

Again, it is not a matter of “right” or “wrong” but more of, “How can I best use my gifts and abilities to minister?” And it is a matter of motivation.  “Are my motivations, which lead to action, selfless or selfish?”

A verse that has hit me lately is Matthew 7:7—“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.”

God asks us to persistently ask him for what we need from Him.  I am bad at that.  I am not persistent in prayer.  I ask God sporadically for what I need/want.  I think, “If he hears us the first time, my prayers are going to be way too repetitive.”  Ha. But I was thinking more about that verse…and if we are desperate for something from a friend or from our family—whether it be music or a book we really want, or communication or advice, we ask/seek it all the time.  We are persistent in getting what we want/need from that person.  So, if we aren’t persistent in our prayers for what we need, there is less desperation. We think this world will bring whatever we need to us. And it’s almost like saying “Well, I don’t really need this from you, God,” or “I don’t really believe you’re going to give this to me so I don’t need to keep praying.” And, sadly, I feel like that’s my attitude a lot of times.

So I’m committing myself to persistent prayer—prayer in desperation over this upcoming decision, believing fully that if I am persistent in asking for clarity and wisdom from God, that I will receive clarity and wisdom. And I ask, if you would, to be committed to prayer for me too.

Thanks, always, for reading.

Dios te bendiga (God bless you),

Julie

Break and Second Year Bolivia Beginnings

The first part is something I wrote back at the beginning of June.  The second half is something I wrote yesterday and today. There are some themes that tie together...

Sorry for the long hiatus!

____________________________________

I often feel like I live in the future…I wonder about it, dream about it, prepare for it, long for it, and fear it (in a healthy way, I think).

But I’ve realized lately a big part of me is living in the past.  Wishing for things to be how they were, clinging to all the people who shaped my life, and feeling somewhat reluctant in making room in my heart for the newer people in my life.  Maybe I fear these newer relationships won’t be as deep, as meaningful…more fleeting.  Maybe I fear if I let too much time pass, the people from my past and the relationships I’ve built won’t mean as much.  Maybe I’m afraid of making any other crazy leaps, so going back to where I came from seems safe and comfortable and appealing.  

But people change, relationships change, work changes…and I need to move with the flow of it all, letting go of the rock on the side of a rushing, raging river, and choosing to let it carry me…even if that’s over a waterfall.

For being someone that highly values steadiness, consistency, and being rooted somewhere, I sure have been moving around a lot.  I have been thrashed and thrown around, going through rapids and getting bumped and bruised by sharp rocks along the way.  Being stateside at Christmas and now this summer, I feel like I’m hanging on to a rock jutting out of the water and taking a breather.  It’s offering me relief, rest, a chance to catch my breath, and a brief time of processing what’s happened to me and where this river has taken me.  But it also means not wanting to let go.  I know I’m going to face fears, anxiety, and stress again in this upcoming school year.  I know it’s not going to be easy.  It may be easier than my first year, but not easy.  But I know all too soon I need to let go and again experience the exhilaration of riding the waves, the pain of the sharp rocks, and the fear in not knowing what’s coming up next. 

______________________________________

I’ve been back in Bolivia now for 3 weeks.  Back to the daily grind.  Back to life feeling more like a raging river.  Teaching is exhausting.  Especially teaching 1^st graders.  Oh my.  I know I need to be in prayer more for myself and my class.  I can’t do this on my own.  Sometimes I think I can since I have a year under my belt, but there’s no way in my own strength I have what it takes.  And it’s scary having little lives in your hands and under your care all day long.  Just yesterday I had a girl pee her pants and a boy fall and get a concussion within about 10 minutes of each other.  That’s just one example of the craziness that happens. 

This year, I have a new apartment and new roommates and apartment mates.  I love it but I’m still getting used to all the changes—not living in the same place with the same people, not having familiar places and people (like my cholita friend and fruit lady) closer by, teachers who became good friends gone this year, a new class and set of parents, new academic changes and challenges, and just figuring out a totally new routine.  I’ll get there eventually…soon all the newness will be totally normal.  And I guess it’ll all help me distinguish between my first and second year here.  I loved last year even though it was rough, and I know I’m going to love this year in a whole new and different way.  Transition always seems to take me awhile…

And soon life will get busier, but seemingly more normal and routine.  Bible study, Spanish lessons, tutoring, and more will start up.  I’m looking forward to it.  And I’m looking forward to deepening relationships this year.

This place has really become “home” now…I know the streets, the restaurants, the people, the currency, enough of the language to communicate what I need…there is no more culture shock.  Life here and life in the states just seem like 2 worlds that I keep jumping in and out of and they’re both normal.  They’re both “home.”

I had a dream last night that my whole family was in a familiar restaurant in La Paz that I walked into.  They nonchalantly said they were there for the weekend.  Haha.  I wonder if maybe more than I am consciously aware of, I want my 2 worlds to collide.  That I want some semblance of unity in my life…

My prayer:  Lord, help me to keep trusting this is what you want for me, no matter how difficult, stressful, and overwhelming life can seem.  Help me to keep clinging to You, my ever-present Rock.  Even when I’m not at a continued time of rest, I know You are able to give spiritual/emotional/mental rest any time I grab a hold of You.  Gracias Dios. Hay nadie como tu.

Thank you to all who are loving me and supporting me in prayer.

Mucho amor,

Julie