Update on life:
Evo Morales, the president of Bolivia, declared 2 Fridays ago that last Monday, along with Tuesday (Labor Day) is a holiday. It was a "Supreme Decree," most likely to try to please the people that hate him/are protesting against the government. Therefore, unexpected 4-day weekend! And a resulting 3-day school week!
This week seems to be taking the same course...though not because of unexpected holidays, but because of strikes and blockading. Monday and today it was declared that there was no school because of people not being able to get to school because of blockades. I heard that last night things turned pretty violent and there were fires on the streets and protesters taking taxi drivers from their cars and beating them. I'm not too informed about everything going on, but essentially the protesting is from workers trying to demand more money from the government. It is not uncommon here. Pray for justice and peace in this city.
While I am enjoying these days off, it is a selfish sentiment. As much as I feel I've needed rest this year, I want peace in this city more. And I also want to teach my kids everything they need to know and get them ready for next year. That becomes increasingly hard to do when there are becoming less and less days in the year to teach them.
Speaking of selfish....
I have been really selfishly wanting to go home. I want to be met with love and hugs and comfort. I feel ready to be done. And I think days off make me think about that more.
Yet, it is a purely selfish attitude, and I know I have a skewed perception. Yes, God has blessed me with a family and friends that are anxious to see me and love me and I will have all the comforts I miss. Yet, I want to want to be perfectly content and joyful wherever I am, resting in God's love for me, which is far too great to fathom.
I recently have been listening to "Will Reagan and the United Pursuit"--an amazing worship band. Their lyrics are so simple and repetitive, but it is addicting. And it's definitely a good thing to be addicted to. It's been the majority of what I listen to, sing, play on guitar, and have in my head during the day.
In the song "Set a Fire," the band sings:
There's no place that I'd rather be, no place I would rather be, no place I would rather be, than here in Your love, here in Your love.
And I realize that my heart has been singing "There's no place I'd rather be that in Downers Grove with my family"....I don't know why I've become so homesick this semester, but I don't like it. And that may be because I haven't felt close to God lately. I'm trying. I'm wanting these songs to be my heart cry, but wanting them to be and actually singing it honestly from my heart are 2 different things. I want to want to be nowhere else than where God has put me, wherever that may be, and totally encapsulated in His love.
It's so difficult to fathom this love. How can it be better than my mom's embrace? Than a close friendship? Than my dad's encouragement? I know it's better. I've experienced it in my darkest times. But sometimes it's really hard to have a heart knowledge of His love when it's not so tangible in daily living.
I'll end on some lyrics from another United Pursuit song that I almost feel like I could've written...it resonates with me so much:
I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the Maker of Heaven. I give it all to you now, trusting that You'll make something beautiful out of me. I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open. There's nothing I hold onto.
There's nothing I hold onto... (not my relationships, my job, my life here, my life in DG, my life at Taylor, comforts...nothing).
Father, let that be true. I give it all to you. I don't understand it and I can't control it. Please work in my heart.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Inner Discoveries of the Ebb and Flow of Boliving-Year 1
This year has taught me a lot about myself—who God has
created me to be, how He is transforming me, and who I am becoming through this
transformation.
Here is what I’ve been realizing this year…
I don’t believe I’m a “natural” teacher. I think I’ve
mentioned this in another post, but I really believe I have to work at it more
than most, because I have a lot of things going against me: 1. I’m a procrastinator. 2. I’m an introvert
3. I’m not much of a planner 4. I’m not gifted at organization….these are
things that I have to work on/work against…and sometimes I wonder why God led me into this profession when I've had to work against my natural tendencies. But I do believe that God has supernaturally worked in and through these deficiencies and has been stretching me,
shaping me, and making me trust Him more when some days all I want to do is
curl up in a ball and hide from everything. If teaching is what it takes
for Him to make me grow and trust Him, and I am able to glorify and serve Him
through this, as well as experience the rewards of learning and love from these kids, then it makes sense why He brought me here. And I also know that
I can’t come to any conclusion/decision/opinion about teaching after 1 year of
it…not to mention being in a foreign country with very little Spanish ability.
The first year is survival, I've heard (aka "complete chaos").
I mentioned I’m an introvert. Now, I haven’t been sure on
this…but am finally taking a stance and saying yes, I am an introvert. I love
people. I love being around them. I feel like I’m missing out on things if I
choose to stay in my room on a Saturday night, like I did tonight. Yet, I’m
realizing I desperately NEED time to myself. And when I get it, I love it and
savor it and don’t want to go to bed just because I feel like I have more
reading and writing and processing and reflecting and praying and guitar-playing
and whatever…to do alone. I feel I finally am connected to myself and my heart
and my mind, and things make more sense. I began to realize that I’m much more
of an introvert than I think I am when I was on spring break in Buenos Aires. I
realized, after getting there, that while it’s great to see a new city and be
with friends, I really just wanted to sleep and be by myself in my room in La
Paz. Conversations and new sights were overwhelming to me, and I felt like I
couldn’t process it all or respond to it or fully enjoy it like I wanted to.
And it’s because I needed a BREAK from everything—not just La Paz. Like, I needed
to be in full, shut-down, anti-social, leave-me-alone, solitary confinement for
a time. It seems funny that it’s taken me this long to realize about myself,
but it has been a strange internal battle that I haven’t been able to figure
out. It doesn’t seem natural to fight against my desire to hang out with people
and go places and see new things. But if I can’t fully be THERE, engaged with
those people, then what’s the point? I need to listen more to that still small
voice inside of me that says “Jules, you need to be still. You need to quiet
your heart. You need to stop and process what’s going on around you. I’ll give
you the peace, joy, energy, and bits of clarity that you need to be fully alive
with people and in your day-to-day routine.”
Another realization that this year has brought is that I
still find myself falling into the same sinful patterns as I’ve struggled with
for awhile. It’s frustrating. I want to
be done with these things. However, I’ve seen God’s slow process of
sanctification in me, as I feel I have been able to see more clearly its
destruction, and consequently, quickly destroy these thoughts/actions with the
increased wisdom and strength I’ve felt the Spirit give me. I feel that this
year more than ever I’ve been able to truly realize and believe in God’s unconditional
love for me and hold on my life and my future. And because of this, I see
myself handling things in a manner that is more mature, more Christ-like…and I’m
walking away with confidence that, through God's promised and apparent sanctification, I can
still defeat these patterns of sin if I keep choosing to believe He loves me
and made me exactly who I am for a reason, is sovereign and behind every detail
of my life, and has a future laid out for me that is better than what I can
plan for myself. If God is for me and with me, who or what can possibly destroy me? I am more than a conqueror
through Christ.
I have a long way to go. I have a lot of this year and what’s
happened to me and in me and through me and around me to still process. I have lots of thoughts about what I need to work on and
how to live better and more sacrificially next year. I have
no idea how long I’ll stay in Bolivia. I have no idea what’s after Bolivia. I
have my own plans floating around in my head, but I know better than to
concretely say, “This is what I’m going to do.”…my heart, my mind, my desires,
and my viewpoints can easily change. Experiences here, friends, books, and
ultimately God’s work in my heart, are changing these things already. I’m
figuring out who God created me to be, how to be a servant, how to live radically,
how to be disciplined, what I need to do to be holistically healthy, how to be
patient, how to love better, etc. etc. I’m sure grateful for
the work God has done in me this year. And it’s not over yet…
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
8 Weeks
I have less than 8 weeks of school left, and exactly 8 more weeks until I go home for the summer. And I know it’s going to fly
by.
Less than 8 weeks until I am done with my first year of teaching.
Less than 8 weeks of being with these crazy, hyper, distracted,
smart, loving, beautiful little children every day.
8 more weeks until I say goodbye to some teachers who have
become pretty dear friends to me in just 9 months.
8 more weeks until I am home in Downers Grove, IL and get to
be with my family and friends and RELAX!
That last one I’ve been thinking about more and more lately,
as this semester has thrown at me many more curveballs and trials and stressors
that have wrought more emotions than the last did. I’ve more often had the
sentiment of “I want my mommy!” than maybe at any other point of my adult life.
(And I still really, really do…!)
But I know my mindset right now needs to be:
8 more weeks to still invest myself fully in the
community and in my work.
It’s so easy to coast. It’s so easy to say “It really doesn’t
matter at this point and I’m just going to try to make things as easy as
possible for myself until my flight home on June 6.”
But I know God wants to use me still. And if I’m not in tune
with the Spirit and how God wants to use me in the lives of my students, parents,
the staff, and friends of mine in the community, I’ll be wasting my last 8
weeks here.
While it’s nice to see the end of a rather difficult year is
in sight, and an “oasis,” or so it seems, is right around the corner, I don’t
want to get lost in my dreaming and forget the beauty and the incompletion that
lies in front of me.
I have more work to do, lives to pour into, and encouraging
words to speak…There are more adventures to be had, more of La Paz to explore,
Spanish to learn, music to play and sing, books to read, and solitude to seek
out.
A lot can be done in 8 weeks…especially when given to the
Lord, who has time and all of our hearts in His hands.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Mi Dios es grande, mi Dios es fuerte
Between being a full-time teacher, tutoring 3 days a week (soon to be
4 probably), Spanish lessons, volleyball, yoga, running, Tuesday
gatherings, Wednesday women's Bible Study, worship nights at Kairos,
band practice (yes I'm a vocalist in a band that's going to soon be
famous all over La Paz and the world), church, planning, grading, going
out with friends, and trying to make some time to just be still every
once in awhile, I haven't had too much time to blog... :)
I'm enjoying life and actually enjoying being busy, but I cherish Saturdays like these where my only plans are having a sushi date with my friend Ali at 6 and then going ice skating at the new rink in the MegaCenter. I'm pretty excited.
I don't feel like typing a novel for this post, because I'm kind of craving donuts or saltenas, and I think I might walk or run over and get some soon...and some bananas and other fruit from my favorite friendly fruit vendor (ooh nice alliteration) 2 blocks from me.
But I wanted to give you some quick updates:
I am picking up more and more Spanish. Me gusta mi nuevo profesora de espanol. And I have started going to a Spanish-speaking church. I just love worshipping in Spanish, and I can pick up on the main ideas of the message while I follow along with my English Bible, so it's working out and I just love feeling more a part of Bolivian culture.
Teaching, in all honesty, has been a real challenge for me, but God has been sustaining me and equipping me to do this job the best I can. I have seen the fruits of my efforts, but I still need to pray for miracles. This is a tough class at really varying levels and I have many students who need special ed/ESL help, and right now I am looking at probably having to hold FOUR of my students back. There are 16 kindergartners currently, so that would bring me to a class of 20 or more next year, which is definitely not ideal, especially in the small classroom that I have. We'll see what happens in the next 3 months, but please pray, pray, pray. And pray for grace and understanding as I'm going to have to have some tough conversations with students and parents soon.
God has been working on my attitude and on my patience lately, and this past week I think has been better than any other. I've been praying a lot for more patience and a better attitude. It's so easy to let the little things get me so frustrated, that I miss the fact that my ultimate task is to love these kids and show them Christ's example of love and patience and forgiveness and grace. This year has been a year of realizing my totally desperate need for God every hour, every minute, every second of every day. There is no way I could do this job out of my own strength and abilities. I would fall apart.
I just booked my flights from La Paz to Miami to Detroit and back again for my best friend Lorah's wedding in September! I'm so blessed I am able to do this and that that Friday is a holiday in Bolivia, and my director is also letting me have 2 days off! I'm thankful my parents are supportive of me doing this, when I'm basically making as much as I'm spending here...or spending a little more...I'm grateful for my savings! :) I am so excited I get to be a part of her special day and get to stand at the alter with her while she commits to a wonderful man! I love weddings and this is my first friend wedding, and I'm in it! :)
I am looking forward to Spring Break too...some other teachers and I are going to Arunabaca (sp?) which is the jungle in Bolivia! We also have our school talent show and staff retreat next weekend, and I'm sure lots of other exciting things to come in the next few months. Then, I will be back home June 6, and traveling back to Indiana for a visit, as well as visiting Lorah in Colorado and helping her wedding plan. Then probably coming back to Bolivia a little early to do some traveling!
God is sure blessing me and loving me. Before Christmas, I could say "I really like it here," but now I think I can say "I love it here...and it feels like home." And I keep thinking how much fun it will be when I have family and friends come to visit and I can take them around and teach them little cultural nuances and just have them see where I live and work and what it's like here!
This was longer than I wanted it to be. I'm going to go get some food now and enjoy this nice sunny day here in La Paz!
Thanks for reading,
Jules
I'm enjoying life and actually enjoying being busy, but I cherish Saturdays like these where my only plans are having a sushi date with my friend Ali at 6 and then going ice skating at the new rink in the MegaCenter. I'm pretty excited.
I don't feel like typing a novel for this post, because I'm kind of craving donuts or saltenas, and I think I might walk or run over and get some soon...and some bananas and other fruit from my favorite friendly fruit vendor (ooh nice alliteration) 2 blocks from me.
But I wanted to give you some quick updates:
I am picking up more and more Spanish. Me gusta mi nuevo profesora de espanol. And I have started going to a Spanish-speaking church. I just love worshipping in Spanish, and I can pick up on the main ideas of the message while I follow along with my English Bible, so it's working out and I just love feeling more a part of Bolivian culture.
Teaching, in all honesty, has been a real challenge for me, but God has been sustaining me and equipping me to do this job the best I can. I have seen the fruits of my efforts, but I still need to pray for miracles. This is a tough class at really varying levels and I have many students who need special ed/ESL help, and right now I am looking at probably having to hold FOUR of my students back. There are 16 kindergartners currently, so that would bring me to a class of 20 or more next year, which is definitely not ideal, especially in the small classroom that I have. We'll see what happens in the next 3 months, but please pray, pray, pray. And pray for grace and understanding as I'm going to have to have some tough conversations with students and parents soon.
God has been working on my attitude and on my patience lately, and this past week I think has been better than any other. I've been praying a lot for more patience and a better attitude. It's so easy to let the little things get me so frustrated, that I miss the fact that my ultimate task is to love these kids and show them Christ's example of love and patience and forgiveness and grace. This year has been a year of realizing my totally desperate need for God every hour, every minute, every second of every day. There is no way I could do this job out of my own strength and abilities. I would fall apart.
I just booked my flights from La Paz to Miami to Detroit and back again for my best friend Lorah's wedding in September! I'm so blessed I am able to do this and that that Friday is a holiday in Bolivia, and my director is also letting me have 2 days off! I'm thankful my parents are supportive of me doing this, when I'm basically making as much as I'm spending here...or spending a little more...I'm grateful for my savings! :) I am so excited I get to be a part of her special day and get to stand at the alter with her while she commits to a wonderful man! I love weddings and this is my first friend wedding, and I'm in it! :)
I am looking forward to Spring Break too...some other teachers and I are going to Arunabaca (sp?) which is the jungle in Bolivia! We also have our school talent show and staff retreat next weekend, and I'm sure lots of other exciting things to come in the next few months. Then, I will be back home June 6, and traveling back to Indiana for a visit, as well as visiting Lorah in Colorado and helping her wedding plan. Then probably coming back to Bolivia a little early to do some traveling!
God is sure blessing me and loving me. Before Christmas, I could say "I really like it here," but now I think I can say "I love it here...and it feels like home." And I keep thinking how much fun it will be when I have family and friends come to visit and I can take them around and teach them little cultural nuances and just have them see where I live and work and what it's like here!
This was longer than I wanted it to be. I'm going to go get some food now and enjoy this nice sunny day here in La Paz!
Thanks for reading,
Jules
Sunday, January 22, 2012
"What is Love?"--Something I Wrote 3 Years Ago
So I was looking for a word document, and while doing so, I stumbled upon a lot of pieces of writing I had forgotten about. I found this piece, which I titled, "What is Love?" which maybe I posted somewhere...a Facebook note or something (it was not in my other blog), but I was a bit surprised that 19-year old me (this was April of 2009) had such good thoughts and questions on love.
So, almost 3 years later, I will share my thoughts. And I have to say the opening is very cheesy. Who looks up the word "love" on dictionary.com? Kinda dorky.... :) I also have to preface this with saying this was followed by a period of lots of pain and confusion and questioning.....which you may pick up on when you read this :)
So, almost 3 years later, I will share my thoughts. And I have to say the opening is very cheesy. Who looks up the word "love" on dictionary.com? Kinda dorky.... :) I also have to preface this with saying this was followed by a period of lots of pain and confusion and questioning.....which you may pick up on when you read this :)
What is love?
I looked up love on dictionary.com and didn’t like any of
the definitions I found—firstly, because I don’t think it can be expressed in
words, and secondly, because almost every definition dealt with romantic love
and love is so much more than that.
Love is something I’ve been grappling with a lot in the past
couple weeks. Is it an emotion? Is it a choice? Is it both?
Or can it not even be described as either of those? Is love something that takes time to develop
or can we achieve love in an instant? Is
it something purely spiritual and can only be accomplished through intimately
seeking God, who is love? Do
non-Christians have a different perception of love or is love universal among
all humans? And how in the world are we
supposed to look on people with love if they have murdered a family member, or
robbed our home, or even just trampled over our hearts? How do we overcome hatred, anger,
disappointment, grief, and heartache with love, forgiveness, peace, and
reconciliation? Can our deepest wounds
really be healed through love? When the
pain comes rushing back to us, can we just flip on this switch of “love” and
will it all go away? Can we ever really
completely overcome our sinful nature and love purely, without a trace of
condemnation?
I have so many questions.
I don’t claim to fully know any of the answers to these
questions, but I wanted to write my insights on love, deriving from Shane
Claiborne’s talk the other night, experiences, reading, listening, and meditation
on the subject. I write this in hopes of
further processing love myself, and in hopes of hearing some of your thoughts
and insights as well.
I feel so naïve and unqualified to even attempt to quantify
and understand love. I bet a lot of you
reading this have a much better understanding of it than I do. I know that no human can ever fully grasp
love to its full capacity, but can we even come close to that? God has been bombarding my heart and mind
with this concept of what it means and what it looks like to love. I have always considered myself a loving
person, accepting of everyone, welcoming everyone with open arms. But I’m just starting to see how ignorant
I’ve been. It’s so easy to be a loving
person when you’re lavished with love from family and friends, have grown up in
a home where racism is hated, equality is praised, and biblical values are
taught; when your parents are still
together, when you have hope for a great future and you know that there are so
many people supporting you.
But what about when you don’t have love spoken to you, shown
to you, handed to you, lavished upon you?
When it’s difficult to look on
anyone or anything of this world with love in your heart? The people that can overcome pain, suffering,
hurt, anger, and hatred deeper than I could ever comprehend and yet still find
it in their hearts to love, they are
loving people.
I honestly don’t even know if I could consider a person truly
“loving” if they have everything handed to them, they have never been deeply
hurt by anyone, they have never taken the time to serve others completely unselfishly,
and they never have had to fight feelings of hatred and anger and chosen to
look on someone with love, through Christ’s eyes—eyes of grace. Maybe that’s a bit radical. Maybe you’re even offended by that
statement. But I think suffering,
self-sacrifice, and service are at the root of love. I think when we humble ourselves enough to
realize that all of humanity is in need of love and grace because we are all
sinful, fallen people, we can begin to truly love. This kind of radical thinking violates our
human nature. This is completely counter-cultural. And this seems impossible, especially when
you really think about it. I mean, this
means that we’d have to look on thieves, on murderers, and even on terrorists
with love. How in the WORLD are we
supposed to do that, and why do we need to do that? Complicated questions. Really, really tough questions. I could just say “because the Bible says so”
and be done with it, but I want to dive into this. I think in order to understand why we are
called to this radical love we must understand the source of this love, which I
believe comes from God. He in himself is
love. He created this world and then
humbled himself and came down to this earth to show humanity this great,
awe-inspiring love. Then He sacrificed
himself to pay the price for the sins of humanity when we didn’t deserve it one
bit—the greatest act of love and the greatest extension of grace. OK, so, that was Christ. That was GOD.
We are not God so why do we have to extend love and grace to everyone
despite what they’ve done to us or family members or friends? Why and how must we show love when they haven’t
and maybe won’t ever reciprocate the love?
How is that JUST, how is that FAIR in the least? Well, it’s not just or fair. But we’re not here to judge this world or
judge the people of this world, that’s God’s job. And who are we to judge?
Romans 2:1 says,
“You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just
as bad, and you have no excuse! When you
say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for
you who judge others do these very same things.”
While we’re here on this crappy, broken, messy earth, we are
called, we are commanded to
love. And while this may seem like a
hard or impossible commandment to follow, wouldn’t life be so much better if
more people chose to love instead of fight and hate and hold grudges against
people? It doesn’t do any good. It doesn’t serve any purpose. And it can drown us if we’re not careful.
Romans 12:9-10 says “Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and
take delight in honoring each other.”
Notice it says hate what is wrong. Not the person who did the wrong.
Luke 6 shakes me up.
Once in my anger my mom texted me saying “read Luke 6:35-49.” I looked it up, thinking it might be verses
of comfort, but it started “Love your enemies!
Do good to them. Lend to them
without expecting to be repaid.” My
heart shouted “What the hell?! Yeah right mom!
Good one.” But I keep coming back
to that passage, hit with a hard blow every time. God is speaking those words to me. To us.
And because of our own pride and self-righteousness we deny this or
ignore it, when it has the power to FREE us.
So this whole radical love thing—easier said than done
right? Is it a mindset thing? Is it a heart thing? Is it both?
And how can we get our mind to connect with our heart? How can we take this knowledge and let it
seep into our daily lives? The only
answer I have for that is prayer—deep, heartfelt, earnest prayer for love. We’re not capable of loving on our own. We’re not capable of living in this messy,
confused, fallen world with our own strength.
We need God’s love and we need to take that love and pour it on to
everyone.
I think I’ll save further comments and questioning to
another post, but in the meantime I’d love to hear thoughts on any of what I
said. Maybe for some of you this seems
really basic, and maybe for some it seems foreign, and maybe for some it seems
ridiculous. But this is my first attempt
at making sense of what I understand about love and this world.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
2nd Semester Craziness
School starts again tomorrow. It's crazy how it'll be exactly 1 month tomorrow since I've seen these kids
and been in the routine of teaching, disciplining, planning, and
thinking quickly on my feet all day. Thursday and Friday we had work
days, and I'm happy to say I got quite a bit accomplished, yet not
everything I wanted to get accomplished. There's always more to do.
(You teachers out there know this!)
I hope the students and I can jump right back in where we left off....or almost where we left off. I know there's going to need to be a lot of review after a month of most of them not speaking English!! And I have a new student, Sabina, who is new to the school, speaks only Spanish, and has a learning disability. So getting her "caught up" and familiar with the class and our rules and procedures will be another huge thing to add on to other daily routines/lessons/activities. I hope she can catch on quickly and feel welcome and comfortable in my classroom despite the fact that she doesn't know any English!
This semester is going to be busy. Last semester was as well, but this semester I have to begin the task of creating the math curriculum for next year. (I was waiting until I could get some Everyday Math books sent to me over Christmas so I could bring them back with me and help me structure what I do!) So on top of planning lessons and activities for each week, I'm going to be spending probably a good chunk of my Saturdays or Sundays creating math units... (oh how fun!) I am also now in charge of leading/figuring out our women's Bible study on Wednesdays. I have to figure out how it's going to be structured, the rotation of apartments, how to break up and when to break up into smaller groups within our large group, come up with a schedule, and send out e-mails and other logistics. I also am going to start leading worship on guitar in both our Bible study Wednesdays and in the Tuesday group I go to with other young adults from my church. So practicing might be good.... :)
I'm still continuing with tutoring my students, volleyball, and Spanish lessons. I know I need to make more of an effort this semester to study and practice Spanish, or I won't get very far....
I also brought my yoga mat with me to continue doing that regularly. (I took some hot yoga classes over break that were INTENSE....3 classes were a combo of cardio and weights and crazy poses in a 95 degree room.) I feel a lot stronger now because of it, so I want to continue with that.
And in addition to all of this, I am disciplining myself to read the Bible in a year using the "One Year Bible Plan." I've been pretty good about it so far and really, it only feels like a chore until I pick up my Bible. Then I get sucked into the stories...a lot of stories I don't ever remember reading, actually. Or stories I kind of knew, but I'm putting the pieces together, and how they fit in with other stories, and the relations between different people. I'm using a Life Application Bible, so there's a lot of notes at the bottom that help bring a historical perspective to the text, and little maps so I can see where Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and other people traveled to. And I'm reading through Jesus' Sermon on the Mount right now in Matthew, and of course that's a powerful and convicting sermon, just packed with a lot of very direct teachings that were so countercultural to the people Jesus was speaking to, and is still countercultural today...."Love your enemies"....there are SO many people that would scoff at that, or maybe believe it but don't practice it, or think that commandment is way too hard to live by. Honestly I can't think of too many "enemies" I have, yet when you think about it this way--He is essentially saying love EVERYONE--can I really say I LOVE everyone? And have forgiven everyone completely that has hurt me? Or everyone that hurts other people or brings about destruction? It's so hard to separate sin from a person, sometimes. But they are separate. We are all God's beloved children...yet some of us are still a slave to sin and have not yet experienced a life lived outside of darkness. But those people deserve to be loved. Of course they do. And by loving them, it could bring them OUT of darkness.
I'm also getting a small dose of Psalms and Proverbs everyday, which are just so relatable...I feel I have compassion for David and cry out with him in the Psalms, and then what Solomon talks about in Proverbs is so applicable to my life, and in my own search for wisdom and understanding and trust in the Lord.
So I know this semester is going to hit me hard...and in ways I cannot predict yet. But I'm excited for it, and I'm excited to become more disciplined, because I know I need to grow in that. (And with all of these things I'm definitely going to HAVE to be disciplined or I'll die!) But I also know I need to give myself grace and realize I'm only human.
Please be in prayer for me as I try to balance my life with everything I have on my plate.
Pray that my students remain my highest priority and that they can see Jesus in me and know how much they're loved, no matter how impatient and frustrated I get! (Please also pray for my patience :) )
Pray that I would have wisdom in confrontations I need to have with some people.
Pray for Highlands' ministry and all the students there...pray that we, as a staff, know how to reach them, help them, listen to them, and love them. There are many students who are hurting from broken family situations, hurting themselves, or hurting others.
God's in control of all of these things, but I have to remind myself that He wants us to be prayerful people who believe He alone--and working through us--has the power to give direction, wisdom, healing, love, and especially change hearts. And as His disciples, we have that power flowing through us! Pretty awesome :)
God bless,
Jules
I hope the students and I can jump right back in where we left off....or almost where we left off. I know there's going to need to be a lot of review after a month of most of them not speaking English!! And I have a new student, Sabina, who is new to the school, speaks only Spanish, and has a learning disability. So getting her "caught up" and familiar with the class and our rules and procedures will be another huge thing to add on to other daily routines/lessons/activities. I hope she can catch on quickly and feel welcome and comfortable in my classroom despite the fact that she doesn't know any English!
This semester is going to be busy. Last semester was as well, but this semester I have to begin the task of creating the math curriculum for next year. (I was waiting until I could get some Everyday Math books sent to me over Christmas so I could bring them back with me and help me structure what I do!) So on top of planning lessons and activities for each week, I'm going to be spending probably a good chunk of my Saturdays or Sundays creating math units... (oh how fun!) I am also now in charge of leading/figuring out our women's Bible study on Wednesdays. I have to figure out how it's going to be structured, the rotation of apartments, how to break up and when to break up into smaller groups within our large group, come up with a schedule, and send out e-mails and other logistics. I also am going to start leading worship on guitar in both our Bible study Wednesdays and in the Tuesday group I go to with other young adults from my church. So practicing might be good.... :)
I'm still continuing with tutoring my students, volleyball, and Spanish lessons. I know I need to make more of an effort this semester to study and practice Spanish, or I won't get very far....
I also brought my yoga mat with me to continue doing that regularly. (I took some hot yoga classes over break that were INTENSE....3 classes were a combo of cardio and weights and crazy poses in a 95 degree room.) I feel a lot stronger now because of it, so I want to continue with that.
And in addition to all of this, I am disciplining myself to read the Bible in a year using the "One Year Bible Plan." I've been pretty good about it so far and really, it only feels like a chore until I pick up my Bible. Then I get sucked into the stories...a lot of stories I don't ever remember reading, actually. Or stories I kind of knew, but I'm putting the pieces together, and how they fit in with other stories, and the relations between different people. I'm using a Life Application Bible, so there's a lot of notes at the bottom that help bring a historical perspective to the text, and little maps so I can see where Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and other people traveled to. And I'm reading through Jesus' Sermon on the Mount right now in Matthew, and of course that's a powerful and convicting sermon, just packed with a lot of very direct teachings that were so countercultural to the people Jesus was speaking to, and is still countercultural today...."Love your enemies"....there are SO many people that would scoff at that, or maybe believe it but don't practice it, or think that commandment is way too hard to live by. Honestly I can't think of too many "enemies" I have, yet when you think about it this way--He is essentially saying love EVERYONE--can I really say I LOVE everyone? And have forgiven everyone completely that has hurt me? Or everyone that hurts other people or brings about destruction? It's so hard to separate sin from a person, sometimes. But they are separate. We are all God's beloved children...yet some of us are still a slave to sin and have not yet experienced a life lived outside of darkness. But those people deserve to be loved. Of course they do. And by loving them, it could bring them OUT of darkness.
I'm also getting a small dose of Psalms and Proverbs everyday, which are just so relatable...I feel I have compassion for David and cry out with him in the Psalms, and then what Solomon talks about in Proverbs is so applicable to my life, and in my own search for wisdom and understanding and trust in the Lord.
So I know this semester is going to hit me hard...and in ways I cannot predict yet. But I'm excited for it, and I'm excited to become more disciplined, because I know I need to grow in that. (And with all of these things I'm definitely going to HAVE to be disciplined or I'll die!) But I also know I need to give myself grace and realize I'm only human.
Please be in prayer for me as I try to balance my life with everything I have on my plate.
Pray that my students remain my highest priority and that they can see Jesus in me and know how much they're loved, no matter how impatient and frustrated I get! (Please also pray for my patience :) )
Pray that I would have wisdom in confrontations I need to have with some people.
Pray for Highlands' ministry and all the students there...pray that we, as a staff, know how to reach them, help them, listen to them, and love them. There are many students who are hurting from broken family situations, hurting themselves, or hurting others.
God's in control of all of these things, but I have to remind myself that He wants us to be prayerful people who believe He alone--and working through us--has the power to give direction, wisdom, healing, love, and especially change hearts. And as His disciples, we have that power flowing through us! Pretty awesome :)
God bless,
Jules
Saturday, January 7, 2012
I'm a fast-paced sloth and it's just unnatural
2011 was a big year for me. I graduated from college, was baptized, moved to Bolivia, and started my first year as a full-time teacher and missionary.
Dang. That's a lot. Especially for someone as slow-paced as me.... (I subscribed to Enneagram e-mails--a personality test--that give me an "Enneagram thought for the day" and those jerks called me a sloth. I was partially offended but laughed thinking that is probably the animal most like me..........if I could sleep all the time I would.)
And because this past year was a whirlwind of craziness and I throw myself into change and transition and a fast-paced job against my own natural inclinations, it seems, the sloth in me has thoroughly enjoyed this break and time at home to be lazy. And all this time just to be and to think has consequently brought out the analytical, dreamer, reflective side of myself. Yet my thoughts and things I read and try to make sense of get so jumbled sometimes that I don't know what to do with all of it. It leaves me overwhelmed and then I jump into coping mechanisms--either sleep or busyness/movement/mindless entertainment.
But I believe the best way for me to sort through my complex thoughts and other people's complex thoughts is to write....which I don't do enough of. That is one of my resolutions this year.
So, I'm going to spew out my current thoughts/reflections/dreams to you. Ready? Hang on tight.
First, a reflection on this year:
January-May: My last semester at Taylor. Coming back from being in Indy student teaching was weird. I lived off-campus, didn't have any more classes in Reade, was crazy enough to subject myself to substitue teaching, and realized Taylor had stayed pretty much the same but I had changed. I was so ready to move on, though part of me longed for the Taylor I once knew. It was tough. Lots of emotions. There was a mourning period for sure....I was simultaneously mourning the "old Taylor"...the way I used to know it and love it, and also mourning the fact that my friends and I were going in all different directions. It was hard, but I felt God met me in that mourning time. I also was a part of this great study of Henri Nouwen's book "Spiritual Formation" with some encouraging, insightful, and spiritually challenging people at my church, which was so life-giving, specifically during this time. Another great thing about my last semester was that I disciplined myself to regular prayer and meditation on God's word and I learned that it could really refresh my soul.
May 1: I was baptized at The Mercy House in Anderson, IN....a memorable and special moment for me. I got to be baptized along with dear friends, Kayla Cange and Kyle Bavender, and I'm so glad I could share my heart, share about my upcoming ministry in La Paz, make a public commitment to my faith in front of my family and friends, and demonstrate a very personal commitment I made a long time ago to my God who is still transforming me and forgiving me and teaching me despite my failures.
May-July: I got a wonderful nannying position for a few weeks, went to Pre-Field Orientation where I met some awesome teacher/missionaries like myself going all around the world, I attended my cousin's wedding, went back to Indiana for a last visit with friends, and had a very fun goodbye party before my departure to Bolivia.
July-December: The start of a new chapter in my life. Everything was new and different--language, people, culture, full-time teaching, new roommates, new setting, new friends...but I feel I adjusted pretty quickly. I've faced many personal struggles and challenges and there are days I don't know if I'm cut out to teach these little ESL first graders.....But I do think that sentiment comes from my own doubts of myself and my teaching ability. These kids are learning and growing and improving in their behavior and in their English and school work, and that is something I know and have seen and therefore, I can rest assured that God has already used me to make a difference, and I can trust that He will continue to do so.
So people have asked me already about what's next, after 2 years of being there. Will I stay there? Where will I go? What will I do? Honestly, I have no idea and I'm OK with that. God knows, and God will lead me in whatever direction I need to go. I can say this though: I can see myself staying at Highlands for more than my 2-year commitment. My mind and heart are definitely open to that idea.
But though I'm definitely happy where I'm at and am blessed to be where I'm at right now, the dreamer in me is looking ahead.....to an unknown year right now. And I kinda kick myself for researching and looking into things and thinking about things that are so far off or impractical or just a lot more idealistic than realistic....I get into making my own plans when God inevitably always has something else planned for me, and all the time I spent researching and thinking about my future could have been better spent living in the present.
So what have my recent research and thoughts gone to? Looking into living in Colorado. And looking into going to Seminary. Whaaaa?? It's pretty funny, actually, since: 1. I've never been to Colorado and 2. Seminary is not a logical progression of education for an elementary education major and current 1st grade teacher who has no desire or calling to be a pastor or to do really any amount of public speaking and leading people apart from little children. Ha.
So, I'm merely entertaining these ideas based on having some good friends in Colorado and some that might end up there, the fact that there are mountains (that will probably somewhat appease my desire to go back to Bolivia, which I know I will possess someday) and that it's a great place to be if you like skiing (which I do) and hiking and outdoorsy things like that (which I do and want to do more of). Also, there is a growing Hispanic population in Denver (ok, I know, where isn't there a growing Hispanic population?) and IF I become fluent, or almost fluent, in Spanish--which I sure hope I do in the time I'm in Bolivia--I could not only have a better "in" at finding a teaching job, but hopefully be able to be engaged more with people I'm around.
As for the Seminary thing, my interest in theology and politics and justice and missions and how those all fit together is growing. I want to really truly see GOOD change in my lifetime and I want to promote that. I don't know what my role in that is, yet. Maybe it's just to be the best teacher I can be. Maybe it's just to live frugally and give till it hurts. Maybe it's to raise a family someday and model the kind of life Jesus had. But I do know that I want to do more than teach children how to read and do math everyday. And I'm not at all discounting teaching. I'm saying I want to do that (if God calls me to stay in a school environment) and then MORE. I want to be an innovator, a giver, a healer...to live radically, to give radically, to love radically, and invite others into whatever I'm doing or creating or dreaming about. And I need mentors. I need discussion. I need to read. I need to write. I need to have a better grasp on my own beliefs and on what's going on in this world and on what the Bible has to say and how that fits in with politics and ministry in this day and age. I want to do more than teach how to add numbers (though I firmly believe my job is so important and foundational, and most definitely a ministry in itself).
I might just go for a certificate, and not a masters. It's a lot of money...and I don't know when I could feasibly and practically and financially set out on actually doing this....but we'll see. Maybe when I'm on a summer break I can be a waitress (I've always wanted to do that) to make some extra money and then take classes on the side :)
My life is exciting and I love what God is doing now as well as the endless possibilities I have in front of me. I'd love to hear feedback on what I've had to say.....a lot of these thoughts and dreams and ideas are recent and I haven't voiced them until now.
Keep dreaming big....
Jules
Dang. That's a lot. Especially for someone as slow-paced as me.... (I subscribed to Enneagram e-mails--a personality test--that give me an "Enneagram thought for the day" and those jerks called me a sloth. I was partially offended but laughed thinking that is probably the animal most like me..........if I could sleep all the time I would.)
And because this past year was a whirlwind of craziness and I throw myself into change and transition and a fast-paced job against my own natural inclinations, it seems, the sloth in me has thoroughly enjoyed this break and time at home to be lazy. And all this time just to be and to think has consequently brought out the analytical, dreamer, reflective side of myself. Yet my thoughts and things I read and try to make sense of get so jumbled sometimes that I don't know what to do with all of it. It leaves me overwhelmed and then I jump into coping mechanisms--either sleep or busyness/movement/mindless entertainment.
But I believe the best way for me to sort through my complex thoughts and other people's complex thoughts is to write....which I don't do enough of. That is one of my resolutions this year.
So, I'm going to spew out my current thoughts/reflections/dreams to you. Ready? Hang on tight.
First, a reflection on this year:
January-May: My last semester at Taylor. Coming back from being in Indy student teaching was weird. I lived off-campus, didn't have any more classes in Reade, was crazy enough to subject myself to substitue teaching, and realized Taylor had stayed pretty much the same but I had changed. I was so ready to move on, though part of me longed for the Taylor I once knew. It was tough. Lots of emotions. There was a mourning period for sure....I was simultaneously mourning the "old Taylor"...the way I used to know it and love it, and also mourning the fact that my friends and I were going in all different directions. It was hard, but I felt God met me in that mourning time. I also was a part of this great study of Henri Nouwen's book "Spiritual Formation" with some encouraging, insightful, and spiritually challenging people at my church, which was so life-giving, specifically during this time. Another great thing about my last semester was that I disciplined myself to regular prayer and meditation on God's word and I learned that it could really refresh my soul.
May 1: I was baptized at The Mercy House in Anderson, IN....a memorable and special moment for me. I got to be baptized along with dear friends, Kayla Cange and Kyle Bavender, and I'm so glad I could share my heart, share about my upcoming ministry in La Paz, make a public commitment to my faith in front of my family and friends, and demonstrate a very personal commitment I made a long time ago to my God who is still transforming me and forgiving me and teaching me despite my failures.
May-July: I got a wonderful nannying position for a few weeks, went to Pre-Field Orientation where I met some awesome teacher/missionaries like myself going all around the world, I attended my cousin's wedding, went back to Indiana for a last visit with friends, and had a very fun goodbye party before my departure to Bolivia.
July-December: The start of a new chapter in my life. Everything was new and different--language, people, culture, full-time teaching, new roommates, new setting, new friends...but I feel I adjusted pretty quickly. I've faced many personal struggles and challenges and there are days I don't know if I'm cut out to teach these little ESL first graders.....But I do think that sentiment comes from my own doubts of myself and my teaching ability. These kids are learning and growing and improving in their behavior and in their English and school work, and that is something I know and have seen and therefore, I can rest assured that God has already used me to make a difference, and I can trust that He will continue to do so.
So people have asked me already about what's next, after 2 years of being there. Will I stay there? Where will I go? What will I do? Honestly, I have no idea and I'm OK with that. God knows, and God will lead me in whatever direction I need to go. I can say this though: I can see myself staying at Highlands for more than my 2-year commitment. My mind and heart are definitely open to that idea.
But though I'm definitely happy where I'm at and am blessed to be where I'm at right now, the dreamer in me is looking ahead.....to an unknown year right now. And I kinda kick myself for researching and looking into things and thinking about things that are so far off or impractical or just a lot more idealistic than realistic....I get into making my own plans when God inevitably always has something else planned for me, and all the time I spent researching and thinking about my future could have been better spent living in the present.
So what have my recent research and thoughts gone to? Looking into living in Colorado. And looking into going to Seminary. Whaaaa?? It's pretty funny, actually, since: 1. I've never been to Colorado and 2. Seminary is not a logical progression of education for an elementary education major and current 1st grade teacher who has no desire or calling to be a pastor or to do really any amount of public speaking and leading people apart from little children. Ha.
So, I'm merely entertaining these ideas based on having some good friends in Colorado and some that might end up there, the fact that there are mountains (that will probably somewhat appease my desire to go back to Bolivia, which I know I will possess someday) and that it's a great place to be if you like skiing (which I do) and hiking and outdoorsy things like that (which I do and want to do more of). Also, there is a growing Hispanic population in Denver (ok, I know, where isn't there a growing Hispanic population?) and IF I become fluent, or almost fluent, in Spanish--which I sure hope I do in the time I'm in Bolivia--I could not only have a better "in" at finding a teaching job, but hopefully be able to be engaged more with people I'm around.
As for the Seminary thing, my interest in theology and politics and justice and missions and how those all fit together is growing. I want to really truly see GOOD change in my lifetime and I want to promote that. I don't know what my role in that is, yet. Maybe it's just to be the best teacher I can be. Maybe it's just to live frugally and give till it hurts. Maybe it's to raise a family someday and model the kind of life Jesus had. But I do know that I want to do more than teach children how to read and do math everyday. And I'm not at all discounting teaching. I'm saying I want to do that (if God calls me to stay in a school environment) and then MORE. I want to be an innovator, a giver, a healer...to live radically, to give radically, to love radically, and invite others into whatever I'm doing or creating or dreaming about. And I need mentors. I need discussion. I need to read. I need to write. I need to have a better grasp on my own beliefs and on what's going on in this world and on what the Bible has to say and how that fits in with politics and ministry in this day and age. I want to do more than teach how to add numbers (though I firmly believe my job is so important and foundational, and most definitely a ministry in itself).
I might just go for a certificate, and not a masters. It's a lot of money...and I don't know when I could feasibly and practically and financially set out on actually doing this....but we'll see. Maybe when I'm on a summer break I can be a waitress (I've always wanted to do that) to make some extra money and then take classes on the side :)
My life is exciting and I love what God is doing now as well as the endless possibilities I have in front of me. I'd love to hear feedback on what I've had to say.....a lot of these thoughts and dreams and ideas are recent and I haven't voiced them until now.
Keep dreaming big....
Jules
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