"What is Love?"--Something I Wrote 3 Years Ago

So I was looking for a word document, and while doing so, I stumbled upon a lot of pieces of writing I had forgotten about.  I found this piece, which I titled, "What is Love?" which maybe I posted somewhere...a Facebook note or something (it was not in my other blog), but I was a bit surprised that 19-year old me (this was April of 2009) had such good thoughts and questions on love.

So, almost 3 years later, I will share my thoughts. And I have to say the opening is very cheesy. Who looks up the word "love" on dictionary.com? Kinda dorky.... :)  I also have to preface this with saying this was followed by a period of lots of pain and confusion and questioning.....which you may pick up on when you read this :)

What is love?

I looked up love on dictionary.com and didn’t like any of the definitions I found—firstly, because I don’t think it can be expressed in words, and secondly, because almost every definition dealt with romantic love and love is so much more than that.

Love is something I’ve been grappling with a lot in the past couple weeks.  Is it an emotion?  Is it a choice?  Is it both?  Or can it not even be described as either of those?  Is love something that takes time to develop or can we achieve love in an instant?  Is it something purely spiritual and can only be accomplished through intimately seeking God, who is love?  Do non-Christians have a different perception of love or is love universal among all humans?  And how in the world are we supposed to look on people with love if they have murdered a family member, or robbed our home, or even just trampled over our hearts?  How do we overcome hatred, anger, disappointment, grief, and heartache with love, forgiveness, peace, and reconciliation?  Can our deepest wounds really be healed through love?  When the pain comes rushing back to us, can we just flip on this switch of “love” and will it all go away?  Can we ever really completely overcome our sinful nature and love purely, without a trace of condemnation? 

I have so many questions.

I don’t claim to fully know any of the answers to these questions, but I wanted to write my insights on love, deriving from Shane Claiborne’s talk the other night, experiences, reading, listening, and meditation on the subject.  I write this in hopes of further processing love myself, and in hopes of hearing some of your thoughts and insights as well.

I feel so naïve and unqualified to even attempt to quantify and understand love.  I bet a lot of you reading this have a much better understanding of it than I do.  I know that no human can ever fully grasp love to its full capacity, but can we even come close to that?  God has been bombarding my heart and mind with this concept of what it means and what it looks like to love.  I have always considered myself a loving person, accepting of everyone, welcoming everyone with open arms.  But I’m just starting to see how ignorant I’ve been.  It’s so easy to be a loving person when you’re lavished with love from family and friends, have grown up in a home where racism is hated, equality is praised, and biblical values are taught;  when your parents are still together, when you have hope for a great future and you know that there are so many people supporting you.

But what about when you don’t have love spoken to you, shown to you, handed to you, lavished upon you?  When it’s difficult to look on anyone or anything of this world with love in your heart?  The people that can overcome pain, suffering, hurt, anger, and hatred deeper than I could ever comprehend and yet still find it in their hearts to love, they are loving people.

I honestly don’t even know if I could consider a person truly “loving” if they have everything handed to them, they have never been deeply hurt by anyone, they have never taken the time to serve others completely unselfishly, and they never have had to fight feelings of hatred and anger and chosen to look on someone with love, through Christ’s eyes—eyes of grace.  Maybe that’s a bit radical.  Maybe you’re even offended by that statement.  But I think suffering, self-sacrifice, and service are at the root of love.  I think when we humble ourselves enough to realize that all of humanity is in need of love and grace because we are all sinful, fallen people, we can begin to truly love.  This kind of radical thinking violates our human nature.  This is completely counter-cultural.  And this seems impossible, especially when you really think about it.  I mean, this means that we’d have to look on thieves, on murderers, and even on terrorists with love.  How in the WORLD are we supposed to do that, and why do we need to do that?  Complicated questions.  Really, really tough questions.  I could just say “because the Bible says so” and be done with it, but I want to dive into this.  I think in order to understand why we are called to this radical love we must understand the source of this love, which I believe comes from God.  He in himself is love.  He created this world and then humbled himself and came down to this earth to show humanity this great, awe-inspiring love.  Then He sacrificed himself to pay the price for the sins of humanity when we didn’t deserve it one bit—the greatest act of love and the greatest extension of grace.  OK, so, that was Christ.  That was GOD.  We are not God so why do we have to extend love and grace to everyone despite what they’ve done to us or family members or friends?  Why and how must we show love when they haven’t and maybe won’t ever reciprocate the love?  How is that JUST, how is that FAIR in the least?  Well, it’s not just or fair.  But we’re not here to judge this world or judge the people of this world, that’s God’s job.  And who are we to judge?   

Romans 2:1 says,

“You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse!  When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things.”

While we’re here on this crappy, broken, messy earth, we are called, we are commanded to love.  And while this may seem like a hard or impossible commandment to follow, wouldn’t life be so much better if more people chose to love instead of fight and hate and hold grudges against people?  It doesn’t do any good.  It doesn’t serve any purpose.  And it can drown us if we’re not careful.

Romans 12:9-10 says “Don’t just pretend to love others.  Really love them.  Hate what is wrong.  Hold tightly to what is good.  Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.”

Notice it says hate what is wrong.  Not the person who did the wrong.

Luke 6 shakes me up.  Once in my anger my mom texted me saying “read Luke 6:35-49.”  I looked it up, thinking it might be verses of comfort, but it started “Love your enemies!  Do good to them.  Lend to them without expecting to be repaid.”  My heart shouted “What the hell?! Yeah right mom!  Good one.”  But I keep coming back to that passage, hit with a hard blow every time.  God is speaking those words to me.  To us.  And because of our own pride and self-righteousness we deny this or ignore it, when it has the power to FREE us.

So this whole radical love thing—easier said than done right?  Is it a mindset thing?  Is it a heart thing?  Is it both?  And how can we get our mind to connect with our heart?  How can we take this knowledge and let it seep into our daily lives?  The only answer I have for that is prayer—deep, heartfelt, earnest prayer for love.  We’re not capable of loving on our own.  We’re not capable of living in this messy, confused, fallen world with our own strength.  We need God’s love and we need to take that love and pour it on to everyone.

I think I’ll save further comments and questioning to another post, but in the meantime I’d love to hear thoughts on any of what I said.  Maybe for some of you this seems really basic, and maybe for some it seems foreign, and maybe for some it seems ridiculous.  But this is my first attempt at making sense of what I understand about love and this world.

2nd Semester Craziness

School starts again tomorrow.  It's crazy how it'll be exactly 1 month tomorrow since I've seen these kids and been in the routine of teaching, disciplining, planning, and thinking quickly on my feet all day.  Thursday and Friday we had work days, and I'm happy to say I got quite a bit accomplished, yet not everything I wanted to get accomplished.  There's always more to do. (You teachers out there know this!)

I hope the students and I can jump right back in where we left off....or almost where we left off.  I know there's going to need to be a lot of review after a month of most of them not speaking English!!  And I have a new student, Sabina, who is new to the school, speaks only Spanish, and has a learning disability.  So getting her "caught up" and familiar with the class and our rules and procedures will be another huge thing to add on to other daily routines/lessons/activities.  I hope she can catch on quickly and feel welcome and comfortable in my classroom despite the fact that she doesn't know any English!

This semester is going to be busy.  Last semester was as well, but this semester I have to begin the task of creating the math curriculum for next year.  (I was waiting until I could get some Everyday Math books sent to me over Christmas so I could bring them back with me and help me structure what I do!)  So on top of planning lessons and activities for each week, I'm going to be spending probably a good chunk of my Saturdays or Sundays creating math units... (oh how fun!)  I am also now in charge of leading/figuring out our women's Bible study on Wednesdays.  I have to figure out how it's going to be structured, the rotation of apartments, how to break up and when to break up into smaller groups within our large group, come up with a schedule, and send out e-mails and other logistics.  I also am going to start leading worship on guitar in both our Bible study Wednesdays and in the Tuesday group I go to with other young adults from my church.  So practicing might be good.... :) 

I'm still continuing with tutoring my students, volleyball, and Spanish lessons.  I know I need to make more of an effort this semester to study and practice Spanish, or I won't get very far....

I also brought my yoga mat with me to continue doing that regularly.  (I took some hot yoga classes over break that were INTENSE....3 classes were a combo of cardio and weights and crazy poses in a 95 degree room.)  I feel a lot stronger now because of it, so I want to continue with that.

And in addition to all of this, I am disciplining myself to read the Bible in a year using the "One Year Bible Plan."  I've been pretty good about it so far and really, it only feels like a chore until I pick up my Bible.  Then I get sucked into the stories...a lot of stories I don't ever remember reading, actually.  Or stories I kind of knew, but I'm putting the pieces together, and how they fit in with other stories, and the relations between different people.  I'm using a Life Application Bible, so there's a lot of notes at the bottom that help bring a historical perspective to the text, and little maps so I can see where Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and other people traveled to.  And I'm reading through Jesus' Sermon on the Mount right now in Matthew, and of course that's a powerful and convicting sermon, just packed with a lot of very direct teachings that were so countercultural to the people Jesus was speaking to, and is still countercultural today...."Love your enemies"....there are SO many people that would scoff at that, or maybe believe it but don't practice it, or think that commandment is way too hard to live by.  Honestly I can't think of too many "enemies" I have, yet when you think about it this way--He is essentially saying love EVERYONE--can I really say I LOVE everyone?  And have forgiven everyone completely that has hurt me?  Or everyone that hurts other people or brings about destruction?  It's so hard to separate sin from a person, sometimes.  But they are separate.  We are all God's beloved children...yet some of us are still a slave to sin and have not yet experienced a life lived outside of darkness.  But those people deserve to be loved.  Of course they do.  And by loving them, it could bring them OUT of darkness.

I'm also getting a small dose of Psalms and Proverbs everyday, which are just so relatable...I feel I have compassion for David and cry out with him in the Psalms, and then what Solomon talks about in Proverbs is so applicable to my life, and in my own search for wisdom and understanding and trust in the Lord.   

So I know this semester is going to hit me hard...and in ways I cannot predict yet.  But I'm excited for it, and I'm excited to become more disciplined, because I know I need to grow in that.  (And with all of these things I'm definitely going to HAVE to be disciplined or I'll die!)  But I also know I need to give myself grace and realize I'm only human.

Please be in prayer for me as I try to balance my life with everything I have on my plate.
Pray that my students remain my highest priority and that they can see Jesus in me and know how much they're loved, no matter how impatient and frustrated I get!  (Please also pray for my patience :) )
Pray that I would have wisdom in confrontations I need to have with some people.
Pray for Highlands' ministry and all the students there...pray that we, as a staff, know how to reach them, help them, listen to them, and love them.  There are many students who are hurting from broken family situations, hurting themselves, or hurting others.

God's in control of all of these things, but I have to remind myself that He wants us to be prayerful people who believe He alone--and working through us--has the power to give direction, wisdom, healing, love, and especially change hearts.  And as His disciples, we have that power flowing through us!  Pretty awesome :)

God bless,

Jules

I'm a fast-paced sloth and it's just unnatural

2011 was a big year for me.  I graduated from college, was baptized, moved to Bolivia, and started my first year as a full-time teacher and missionary.

Dang.  That's a lot.  Especially for someone as slow-paced as me.... (I subscribed to Enneagram e-mails--a personality test--that give me an "Enneagram thought for the day" and those jerks called me a sloth.  I was partially offended but laughed thinking that is probably the animal most like me..........if I could sleep all the time I would.)

And because this past year was a whirlwind of craziness and I throw myself into change and transition and a fast-paced job against my own natural inclinations, it seems, the sloth in me has thoroughly enjoyed this break and time at home to be lazy.  And all this time just to be and to think has consequently brought out the analytical, dreamer, reflective side of myself.  Yet my thoughts and things I read and try to make sense of get so jumbled sometimes that I don't know what to do with all of it.  It leaves me overwhelmed and then I jump into coping mechanisms--either sleep or busyness/movement/mindless entertainment.

But I believe the best way for me to sort through my complex thoughts and other people's complex thoughts is to write....which I don't do enough of.  That is one of my resolutions this year.

So, I'm going to spew out my current thoughts/reflections/dreams to you.  Ready?  Hang on tight.

First, a reflection on this year:

January-May:  My last semester at Taylor.  Coming back from being in Indy student teaching was weird.  I lived off-campus, didn't have any more classes in Reade, was crazy enough to subject myself to substitue teaching, and realized Taylor had stayed pretty much the same but I had changed.  I was so ready to move on, though part of me longed for the Taylor I once knew.  It was tough.  Lots of emotions.  There was a mourning period for sure....I was simultaneously mourning the "old Taylor"...the way I used to know it and love it, and also mourning the fact that my friends and I were going in all different directions.  It was hard, but I felt God met me in that mourning time.  I also was a part of this great study of Henri Nouwen's book "Spiritual Formation" with some encouraging, insightful, and spiritually challenging people at my church, which was so life-giving, specifically during this time.  Another great thing about my last semester was that I disciplined myself to regular prayer and meditation on God's word and I learned that it could really refresh my soul. 

May 1:  I was baptized at The Mercy House in Anderson, IN....a memorable and special moment for me.  I got to be baptized along with dear friends, Kayla Cange and Kyle Bavender, and I'm so glad I could share my heart, share about my upcoming ministry in La Paz, make a public commitment to my faith in front of my family and friends, and demonstrate a very personal commitment I made a long time ago to my God who is still transforming me and forgiving me and teaching me despite my failures.

May-July:  I got a wonderful nannying position for a few weeks, went to Pre-Field Orientation where I met some awesome teacher/missionaries like myself going all around the world, I attended my cousin's wedding, went back to Indiana for a last visit with friends, and had a very fun goodbye party before my departure to Bolivia.

July-December:  The start of a new chapter in my life.  Everything was new and different--language, people, culture, full-time teaching, new roommates, new setting, new friends...but I feel I adjusted pretty quickly.  I've faced many personal struggles and challenges and there are days I don't know if I'm cut out to teach these little ESL first graders.....But I do think that sentiment comes from my own doubts of myself and my teaching ability.  These kids are learning and growing and improving in their behavior and in their English and school work, and that is something I know and have seen and therefore, I can rest assured that God has already used me to make a difference, and I can trust that He will continue to do so.

So people have asked me already about what's next, after 2 years of being there.  Will I stay there?  Where will I go?  What will I do?  Honestly, I have no idea and I'm OK with that.  God knows, and God will lead me in whatever direction I need to go.  I can say this though:  I can see myself staying at Highlands for more than my 2-year commitment.  My mind and heart are definitely open to that idea.

But though I'm definitely happy where I'm at and am blessed to be where I'm at right now, the dreamer in me is looking ahead.....to an unknown year right now.  And I kinda kick myself for researching and looking into things and thinking about things that are so far off or impractical or just a lot more idealistic than realistic....I get into making my own plans when God inevitably always has something else planned for me, and all the time I spent researching and thinking about my future could have been better spent living in the present.

So what have my recent research and thoughts gone to?  Looking into living in Colorado.  And looking into going to Seminary.  Whaaaa??  It's pretty funny, actually, since:  1.  I've never been to Colorado and 2. Seminary is not a logical progression of education for an elementary education major and current 1st grade teacher who has no desire or calling to be a pastor or to do really any amount of public speaking and leading people apart from little children.  Ha. 

So, I'm merely entertaining these ideas based on having some good friends in Colorado and some that might end up there, the fact that there are mountains (that will probably somewhat appease my desire to go back to Bolivia, which I know I will possess someday) and that it's a great place to be if you like skiing (which I do) and hiking and outdoorsy things like that (which I do and want to do more of).  Also, there is a growing Hispanic population in Denver (ok, I know, where isn't there a growing Hispanic population?) and IF I become fluent, or almost fluent, in Spanish--which I sure hope I do in the time I'm in Bolivia--I could not only have a better "in" at finding a teaching job, but hopefully be able to be engaged more with people I'm around.

As for the Seminary thing, my interest in theology and politics and justice and missions and how those all fit together is growing.  I want to really truly see GOOD change in my lifetime and I want to promote that.  I don't know what my role in that is, yet.  Maybe it's just to be the best teacher I can be.  Maybe it's just to live frugally and give till it hurts.  Maybe it's to raise a family someday and model the kind of life Jesus had.  But I do know that I want to do more than teach children how to read and do math everyday.  And I'm not at all discounting teaching.  I'm saying I want to do that (if God calls me to stay in a school environment) and then MORE.  I want to be an innovator, a giver, a healer...to live radically, to give radically, to love radically, and invite others into whatever I'm doing or creating or dreaming about.  And I need mentors.  I need discussion.  I need to read.  I need to write.  I need to have a better grasp on my own beliefs and on what's going on in this world and on what the Bible has to say and how that fits in with politics and ministry in this day and age.  I want to do more than teach how to add numbers (though I firmly believe my job is so important and foundational, and most definitely a ministry in itself). 

I might just go for a certificate, and not a masters.  It's a lot of money...and I don't know when I could feasibly and practically and financially set out on actually doing this....but we'll see.  Maybe when I'm on a summer break I can be a waitress (I've always wanted to do that) to make some extra money and then take classes on the side :)

My life is exciting and I love what God is doing now as well as the endless possibilities I have in front of me.  I'd love to hear feedback on what I've had to say.....a lot of these thoughts and dreams and ideas are recent and I haven't voiced them until now. 

Keep dreaming big....

Jules