Giving it All Away

I listened to a sermon online this morning from The Mercy House (my church in Anderson, IN) which was the inspiration for the following thoughts...(The sermon was on Genesis 27--the story of Jacob and Esau...Jacob tricking Isaac and Isaac giving him the blessing rather than Esau).

Submission.  Giving up control.  Giving up my selfish desires to serve others and to serve God.

This is something that has taken me years to understand and begin to apply in my life.  And I still need reminders--outwardly and inwardly--to do this.  It's funny, because I am not naturally a complete control-freak or an aggressive person that takes advantage and manipulates situations for my gain.  And I'm sure whoever's reading this would agree.  I'm easy-going, I often let others take the lead, and I'm not a particularly selfish person...although, to be fair and honest, all of humanity is inherently selfish.

Yet, taking control and pushing and pulling and subtly manipulating and obsessing over certain aspects of my life seems to be my biggest obstacle, the greatest sin that bites back at me and keeps me from what God has for me.

I want control.  More than I allow others to see (proven to me by the results of a test I took for PFO (pre-field orientation before coming to Bolivia)).  Part of the reason I enjoy teaching is because I have, in a natural sense, full control of my students, my classroom, discipline, procedures, etc.  When I feel I am in control and things are going well or I'm disciplining because a rule was broken and the class grows deathly quiet because someone had to move their clothespin to "yellow" or "red", inwardly I sometimes kind of revel at the leadership and control I have in that moment. 

Another example--I have obsessed and wasted time pining and fighting for relationships to work out of my own desires, refusing to wait on God's timing.

Like the story of Esau and Jacob in Genesis 27, I have tried to satisfy my own desires and inherit a "blessing" from God through my own method of attaining it and ended up getting hurt or disappointed or feeling empty.  God wants to continue to bless me in His own time, in His own way, and so many times my very prevalent unbelief that He really will bless me and guide me without me doing a thing overshadows what seems to be so close at hand.

It's taken me awhile to say with full conviction, "Your will be done"..."God, I give you control of my words, my actions, my life, because You know best and the sole desire of my heart is that You are glorified and Your love is shown to people through me...That's it...I don't need anything else."

And, oh, it's still a struggle for sure.  I still desire worldly things, relationships, experiences I can't have right now because this is where I'm at and what I'm doing and where I've been called to at this time of my life.

Letting go of control, I realize now, is a true discipline.  It is not easy but when you finally submit and say "Here, God," the peace and relief that follows is humbling and so welcome.  God calls us to lose our life so that we may find life in Him.  It seems like almost every plan and desire that I have designed or wanted for my life has fallen through or changed or has never been brought to fruition.  I thought I'd be teaching at inner city public school somewhere in the states, I swore I would never teach 1st grade, I never dreamed I'd have the title "missionary," and thought living out of the country seemed unrealistic.  I'd always choose to have a boyfriend over being single, but I've spent the great majority of my life single and having lots of "potential" relationships fail.     

These are all things I've wanted or thought would be best for me.  We all think we know best, don't we?  I still have a pride issue and can become easily impatient with people that don't think like I do or don't do things the way I would.  But I need to keep remembering, and God has obviously shown this to me over and over again through all of my experiences and circumstances thus far in life, that I definitely don't know best.  Coming here was my decision, yes, but it was not my plan and there was an internal battle inside me for awhile to say yes.  It was surrender.  It was an act of complete trust.  It was faith.  It was a giving up of other lifestyles I could have, comforts, people I knew and loved, my car!, etc.

And I can say with certainty, God knows what He's doing placing me here.  And I can plan a destination or graduate school or different career or lifestyle or friend group or what have you after my 2 year contract here is up....but I'm realizing now how utterly stupid that is.  It's again, trying to control and plan my life when I have no idea what's in store for me in 2 years, let alone tomorrow.

The Christian life is so simple.  It's all about love and submission daily.  Love God, love others.  Give up control and give up serving yourself and you'll experience the fullness of life.  Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  Do not worry about tomorrow.

Oh, so much easier said than done...my cry, our cry, daily still needs to be "Lord, I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)