It’s hard to paint a picture for you of what my life is like
here…of what goes on in the day to day, and in my mind and in my heart.
Sometimes I feel so distant from my family and friends, not just because I am
physically hundreds of miles away, but because it’s hard to express the craziness
and greatness of my life here and reconcile it with what I knew before and who
I was before Bolivia.
I’m sorry I haven’t written too many details on this blog. I
am not the kind of person that enjoys writing facts and details. I am not all
that practical, logical, fact-oriented. I am a dreamer, a thinker, a processor.
A definite INFP, I’ve come to realize. (Oh, Myers Briggs, you fascinate me.) So
when I begin to write, it’s hard for me to write details of my day-to-day life for
you. If you ask me factual, practical questions, I will answer them. But I’d rather
write about what I’ve been thinking and learning and how I’ve felt God work than
what each day looks like.
So, without further ado…
My life lately could be characterized by hopefulness. Let me
explain.
There are a lot of upcoming events—known and unknown—in my
life. And God is teaching me to have peace and relinquish control. I am
naturally a very laid back person, a peacemaker, very flexible and adaptable.
But at the same time, I do like to take control of my life and plan for the
future. It excites me. I feel like I can be the “captain of my ship” and steer
myself in any direction I’d like to go. And in some sense, I believe I can. We
have free will. I can be anything I want to be, do anything I want to do.
But lately, my plans have continually been changed. To quote
Of Mice and Men, “The best laid plans o' mice and men often go astray.” So true!
Originally, I was going to stay in Bolivia through November
1st and do a program called Sustainable Bolivia. My plane ticket is
still actually booked for that day. I was sure this was going to be great. I
was really excited to try something different for awhile and be in a new city,
meeting more new people (I love meeting new people—I think people are awesome
and so interesting), learning Spanish, living with a host family, volunteering
with at-risk children on the streets. And then I would be back with so many stories
in time for Thanksgiving…
Then, my brother, to my complete surprise, proposed to his
girlfriend over Christmas time. They decided the best time for the wedding was
in July.
The options became: Come back home in July, then go back to
Bolivia and come back again in November. Or, come back 4 months earlier than I
had planned and stay home.
After some thought and prayer, I felt like this big event
was calling me home to stay home. It was definitely earlier than my own timeline,
but I knew financially and emotionally it would be really hard for me to go
back to Bolivia yet again for just a few months more. (I have already done the back and forth from
the U.S. to Bolivia or Bolivia to the U.S. 6 times now in less than 2 years and
it is so difficult.) I felt peace about this change of plans, and soon realized
that starting ESL/bilingual classes in September would be advantageous…and oh
how I love and miss fall in the midwest!
So there came shocker number 1. My time frame at Sustainable
Bolivia went from 5 months to 5 weeks.
Sometimes you gotta roll with the punches.
I know God’s hand is always in my life, but a lot of times I
can’t see it. However, in early March, I could clearly see it.
The sermon at my church on Sunday, March 3rd, was
about having peace. Then, I went to a gathering of some friends of mine who
meet every Tuesday night. That week, on March 5th, a friend of mine picked
out a Tim Keller podcast for us to listen to….on attaining peace. I thought the
Tim Keller sermon was especially interesting because he challenged the approach
of “thinking less” and “freeing your mind” to achieve peace, and instead said
something to the extent of “the MORE you think, the more peace you will have.”
He was saying the more that we dwell upon the basic truths and principles of
Christianity, the more peace we will have. If we preach the gospel to ourselves—that
Jesus died for us and we don’t have to do anything to earn our forgiveness and salvation—it
will bring us peace.
Then, that next morning, Wednesday, was my turn in our
teacher rotation of prayer that we had just begun. Everyone was in my classroom
to pray specifically for me and for my class. I asked for prayers for peace in
whatever was next for me after school ended. I had just been having some
restless thoughts about going to Cochabamba to do Sustainable Bolivia that were
more persistent just the night before. I felt like I needed to stay in La Paz
for my last 5 weeks in the country. But I was trying to shrug off those
thoughts, thinking that after all this time of planning on Sustainable Bolivia,
I was supposed to go and couldn’t change those plans.
And guess what? That very same day, I randomly decided to
empty out my spam folder (something I don’t do very often) and discovered a
misplaced e-mail from Sustainable Bolivia in it, saying that because of the
program capacity and the desired needs of their partner organizations, they
couldn’t give me a volunteer placement. (Upon further inquiry, he said there
were lots of applicants for this summer and could only accept volunteers who
could work 3 or more months and had a high level of Spanish.)
I was shocked. I had been in contact with the communications
director for months. We had talked logistics, he told me I’d make a great
candidate, and now he was saying that they couldn’t accept me.
The craziest thing was, I had peace. I KNEW God was making this
an easy decision for me. It was so extremely apparent that he had been
preparing my heart for this. I knew he had given me the restlessness and the
desire to stay in La Paz at just the right time, so this news wouldn’t
devastate me. And further, I knew it was right. I knew I needed to finish where
I started. I knew I needed to spend my time with people I’ve already developed
relationships with. I knew I needed to rest more. But I don’t know if I would’ve
made the decision to stay in La Paz if not for God clearly closing this door
for me. Closing the door on this program was something I don’t think I could’ve
done on my own, even if in the back of my head I had my doubts.
So that brings me to my reason for hopefulness. My Bolivia
plans have changed numerous times, not just the 2 most recent times I told you
about. My hope lies in the fact that God knows better than I do and he also has
way more control over circumstances than I do. And that’s really quite fine by
me because I don’t often know what in the world I am doing.
I hesitate to even say I plan on taking ESL/bilingual
classes to get an endorsement starting in September and ending in June at
National Louis University in Lisle. This is my plan. It seems to be good. It
seems to make sense. But I’m not going to place any hope and confidence in
these plans. I think I will wait to register until August, with the track
record now of my plans changing…
But I have hope. Hope that God will continue to guide me, and change my plans if need be, when I don’t know where the hell I’m going or what I’m supposed to do. I have
hope that my parents and brother’s visit in La Paz at the end of May will be
wonderful. I have hope that my last month in La Paz once school ends will be
exactly what I need. I have hope that someday I will be bilingual. I
have hope that I will find a good community of friends once I am living back in
Downers Grove with my parents. I have hope that I will find a job I really
enjoy. I have hope that I find a Spanish-speaking church I enjoy and reminds me
of my church here. I have hope that I will write and read more, cook more, play
music more, and finally get around to scrapbooking my college years. I have
hope that God will take me on new adventures and stretch me more than I thought
I could be stretched.
And I am hopeful for the rest of the school year. 2 months
not to survive, but to truly make the most of--in my classroom and out of it. 2 months to enjoy being in this
Highlands community that I know I will miss immensely.
Finally, I am hopeful for Chile! I am hopeful for true rest.
For a week to get out of the city and onto the beach. For quality time with
friends. For reflection. For rejuvenation.
God is good. God is peace. God is hope.
And with that, I will bid you Buenas Noches.
Thanks for reading,
Julie
