This past month or so I keep bursting into tears.
And right now, I’m writing this as I’m sobbing.
Shouldn’t I be rejoicing?
Emotions hit me later than most people, I think. While I’ve
heard of a lot of first year teachers crying just about every day, or at least
once or twice a week, I guess I’ve saved all my bawling to the end.
I think it is a mixture of pain, relief, still feeling
overwhelmed with things I have to do (like get my students’ portfolios ready,
pack up my classroom, move to another apartment, and pack and travel home), and
grieving the loss of this year that has changed me profoundly and forced me to
grow, be stretched, and to fully depend on my Lord.
This year has been a really emotionally and spiritually
wracking year for me. I have learned so
much more about myself than I ever did before through this experience of
teaching in Bolivia. This year has forced me to trust God, to cry out to Him more
than ever before, and to gain more confidence while at the same time gaining
more humility. It has made me see that I’m
actually a really impatient, nasty, unloving person in my own humanity. I say things I don’t want to say in ways I don’t
want to say it and I’ve ended up hurting students and hurting friends in my
impatience/frustration/ungraceful perspective or attitude. This year has re-taught me that I really am
in desperate need of salvation every day.
It has broken me down and taught me to ask forgiveness from my students and
friends on multiple occasions.
I have learned, that while I previously felt like I have a
very laid-back personality and everyone could get along with me and I could get
along with everyone, that’s not always the case. And that has forced me to confront the
reality that I cannot live to be a people-pleaser, and I absolutely need to
stop looking to people for my worth, identity, and own satisfaction.
This year has given me a clearer idea of who I am, what I need,
what hinders me, what my weaknesses are, what my strengths are, and what my
potential is.
Through this year, I have seen God use me to take little,
crying, crazy, disobedient, non-English speaking children and help transform
them into really awesome, respectful, (semi) obedient, loving, prayerful, skilled
English speakers, readers, writers, thinkers, and mathematicians.
And finally, this year has taught me that most of the things
you learn in college you forget, or you remember once you’ve done something the
wrong way. It is true.
But I’ve learned to be so thankful for my 1st grade inner
city student teaching experience. Without
it, I would’ve been so much more lost. I
know God did that on purpose.
Right now, I am no longer sobbing.
I paused in the middle of this and have actually been doing a lot of
laughing. I have felt comforted,
reassured by a good teacher friend that my feelings are normal, and I am looking ahead to what this summer
is going to bring. Praise God for rest,
family, friends, reflection, and a well-deserved break!
But guaranteed the sobbing will continue tomorrow… :)
Something that keeps ringing in my head these days: God is faithful. Always.
Looking forward to another year in Bolivia where God proves himself faithful.
